Why am I so contradictory?

I feel like I'm poison and I feel like I'm the antidote at the same time.

There is a war raging inside of me all the time. One of hurt and anger; self loathing and fury. 

I can portray so much beauty on the outside: a lightness, unburdened comfort. 

Liar 

There is so much more to me than that. 

I just wish all of it wasn't so bad. 

I am an idea in some peoples heads, make believe, something I portray, a wall of anything anyone needs or wants. A disguise. 

And I'm so tired of it, so tired of myself, so tired of other people. So tired of fuck man, everything. 

I just want to walk away, but I have nothing else to walk too.

God please help me. 

My heart and soul are in shambles.