i sat in the street,

how many times can i relive this?


this happens to be just a momment passing



everyday that goes by, is another day that you and i drift farther and farther apart,



tears well my eyes and i wonder if well ever be together

why is it so important to me, and not to you?


im so tired of being here,
i know my destinition.



the streets lights are glowing, these moments and tears just keep passing.







you used to read my blogs, you used to care about what i was really thinking, and now you just dont have the time, just like theres no time to see me anymore

My mother looked at me,

"I think I finally realized why I don't love you" She said.

I knew she didnt, but i'd never heard her admit as much, I tried to tell myself i was intrigued, like a scientist on the edge of a breakthrough, but my throat closed up and i had to make myself breathe.


"you remind me everything that I have failed at.I don't know how i could have raised a child that could turn out so ruined"


this i knew too,


this i knew.

I'm getting closer to my true self again and I've been running for so long I don't know how to deal with that. 

Coming back to myself is like when I ripped myself apart: painful and maddening.

I am you(rs)

i will be frank. there will never

be anyone else. i have never been able to think this with confidence. but there

will never be any other man. no other man inside me in any way because it has

always been you. i wished for you too, you know. i wished for you as a child in

the summer in moscow, running in golden fields, laying in wildflowers, covered

in bugs, pulsing with dreams and fantasies and rainbow gusts of imagination.

I wished for you last summer when everything felt different. I wished for you

when I was changing; trying to pull myself together. . I wished for you lying

on my back in a car looking out the window all night as the stars passed. I wished

for you sitting at my window wanting something; anything to look forward too. I

wished in the forest with all its loneliness. I knew you even then and i wished for you. i

wished for you when i was broken in this dead city with so many streets and

mazes and silence. i wished drunk, wandering aimlessly on santa barbara

beaches. i wished for you when i was numb, when i was hurt, when i was happy. i

looked for you for so long, so long, in every man, every human that i met who

had potential. i looked and i got confused and hopeful and i projected what i

wanted onto other men and that made everything fall apart every time. so i quit

looking and began to know that you are deep inside and you are me and i can be

alone. then i began to want to be alone and only alone because you were in me

and i was happy. so i told you in the beginning that i always leave, i'll leave

you, this won't happen. then i finally saw you. you became clearer and clearer

every day. you meld with my soul and it knows it and it know you and shines and

sings when you are near and even when you aren't (but you always are). i was

wrong, i won't leave. god, i love being wrong when you are right. no, i'm not

going anywhere. i love you and i am yours.

i am an emotional mess
and you are inside me
and im thinking
about how you hold my heart in your hands
and how


this is a gift,


this is a gift




and once it is over,
everything i have been hiding in my life comes to the surface,
tears leak from my eyes
and a realization hits me



"i'm scared"

my voice inside my head


and yet nothing comes out of my mouth.