"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake? I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season."

Cause you can't jump the track, were like cars on a cable.
And life's like an hour glass, glued to the table 
No one can find the rewind button girl 
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe...just breathe,
Oh breathe.. just breathe.

another.. another.

And the days grow longer and the heroin harder and harder to come by and we both pick apart at each other, so were no longer recognizable to each other.

Screaming at him today "so please be my guest, step over love for pride and regret."

And I thought he would at least always be someone that tried to see me. And now I'm just another ghost carried away with the wind.

He woke up tonight, and grabbed for me.
I thought of a wrecking ball murdering a silent city.
I stiffened and he held tighter, slaying me.
And as my tears came I thought of that city being washed away with the sea,
And as he fell asleep on me, uncaring,
I thought of it never existing again.

And now, only this: how harsh his love has murdered mine, a picture that never completes and creates a future, my own hands of emotion choking me, unfinished sentences, how i can't remember the last time I laughed, how u look at me now- like I'm unrecognizable, how your touch taints me, how you won't find me again in this damage we've caused, our mismatched love, the loneliness ahead, and lastly the realization that we both have lost everything: our own selves, each other; trying our hardest to fit together.

at night I feel the loss of you in every limb that weakens from not having your touch and my body crumbles in on itself and I cry until sleep stops being a lover refusing to be touched.

This

Bags under my eyes, black as night and the weight falls off me like water and I don't care because why should I?
I deserve this place I live in-dirty, dope filled, people crawling on the walls. 


And I think of this and look at where im living and think "this is about right, this is what I deserve."

And I think of b, and this knowledge of us not being together washes over me and it feels like turning the key and unlocking the door and then being trapped inside. I always expected for us to end- and I'm here locked in this room of loss and im the one that swallowed the key he gave me.

And I look at where I live and think about how I failed and of my obliterated bleeding heart. Hope is a fading memory that I can barely remember.

And I think of r, and how I don't feel seen or taken care of, how food is even getting hard to come by, and I think of how bad he feels and how I feel like I continue to stay because he never made me forget about how much I hurt him, and I owe him this-to stay with him in shit- so he won't be alone. I thought that I would at least have him- but he's turning into a ghost just like me.

And I look at where I live and feel loneliness as wide and as strong as the ocean. And I'm invisible- to everyone that's ever loved me, and I think of how that realization keeps me here 

And I want to die, I don't think it would hurt this much

I haven't been this low in years, I never thought I would be back here
Welcome to my world.

Fuck me.

The promises promises promises. Has any of them come true? And I still miss u like fire, and my lungs burn with the smoke off loss.

Your view of me makes me feel pathetic and ugly and broken. 

And as long as we talk, as long as you won't let me forget

I can't break free from that

How could u say you love me without conditions? I know how it feels to be loved without conditions and it's been a long time since I have felt that. You stopped loving me without conditions so long ago.it makes me cry to hear you say it now.

And you can't see it,  you can't see how you hurt me,  how you can't trust what I say,  how you question everything like its my goal in life to bend the truth with you.

But the girl u see is not me and I  can't see you because of how that girl is me no matter what I say or do in front of you.

I can't be less than,  a girl with no voice,  someone not truly loved.

You say you love me but I don't believe you anymore just like you don't believe I am someone that tells you the truth.

You and me are not the same, I couldn't believe in us or want to be with you because you are not who I remember and it's too hard to love you when you look at me like I'm someone that is a liar. And u don't realize who you've become,  someone that loves me with conditions.

How could you let me go? Why didn't you fight or  even ask me to stay?
The answer to this makes me double over,  and cry.

never let this go

Everyday I feel less and less important to you, makes me want to light my insides on fire.

Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won't hurt this much
And ill never have to answer
Again to anyone

Because I'll never let this go

But I can't find the words to tell you

I don't want to be alone

But now I feel like I don't know you

You used to make me want to unleash my soul, strip myself naked with words.

Those times,
My face in the sun with the world of sea,
When I peeled off the first layer of armor with tears,
How your lips taught me poetry and made the sky fall,
Putting little yellow flowers in my hair,
Your stormy blue eyes and the grass beneath my feet,
Taking my tears and pain in the warmth of your mouth,
the map of your body,
the wind in my hair running down the beach,
Our words in the sand,
Your hands in my hair-on my neck- my naked back,
The piano writing melodies at night,
My skin burning where your touch fell,
My name on your tongue,
Everytime you laid your curiousness in me,
Looking over the edge of the mountain with the future between us,
The Matching of souls.

When the end comes so does the beginning, these memories are all we have left, how could you forget?

five days

i give myself five days to forget you.
on the first day i rust.
on the second i wilt.
on the third day i sit with friends but i think about your tongue.
i clean my room on the fourth day. i clean my body on the fourth day.
i try to replace your scent on the fourth day.
the fifth day, i adorn myself like the mouth of an inmate.
a wedding singer dressed in borrowed gold.
the midas of cheap metal.
tinsel in the middle of summer.
crevice glitter, two days after the party.
i glow the way unwanted things do,
a neon sign that reads;

Come, I still taste like someone else's mouth.

excuses for why we failed at love

I’m lonely so I do lonely things
Loving you was like going to war; I never came back the same.
You hate women, just like your father and his father, so it runs in your blood.
I was wandering the derelict car park of your heart looking for a ride home.
You’re a ghost town I’m too patriotic to leave.
I stay because you’re the beginning of the dream I want to remember.
I didn’t call him back because he likes his girls voiceless.
It’s not that he wants to be a liar; it’s just that he doesn’t know the truth.
I couldn’t love you, you were a small war.
We covered the smell of loss with jokes.
I didn’t want to fail at love like our parents.
You made the nomad in me build a house and stay.
I’m not a dog.
We were trying to prove our blood wrong.
I was still lonely so I did even lonelier things.
Yes, I’m insecure, but so was my mother and her mother.
No, he loves me he just makes me cry a lot.
He knows all of my secrets and still wants to kiss me.
You were too cruel to love for a long time.
It just didn’t work out.
My dad walked out one afternoon and never came back.
I can’t sleep because I can still taste him in my mouth.
I cut him out at the root, he was my favorite tree, rotting, threatening the foundations of my home.
The women in my family die waiting.
Because I didn’t want to die waiting for you.
I had to leave, I felt lonely when he held me.
You’re the song I rewind until I know all the words and I feel sick.
He sent me a text that said “I love you so bad.”
His heart wasn’t as beautiful as his smile
We emotionally manipulated one another until we thought it was love. 
Forgive me, I was lonely so I chose you.
I’m a lover without a lover. 
I’m lovely and lonely. 
I belong deeply to myself

Its summer and the days feel like rain. I can smell it coming in slowly and I'm here, not facing anything. I know what I'm doing and I don't even need to face that. Big loads of denial seeping in everyday because the truth is just way too sharp to deal with anymore. I wonder how long I can keep this up, flushing my life down the toilet. And I didn't let go of b because I wanted too but because I couldn't stand to see the way he looked at me anymore; pathetic and broken and giving up. He always chased the denial away and it was getting too hard to hear the truth about myself. I couldn't stand to care about what he thought anymore. I couldn't stand hurting him and I couldn't stand the thought of keeping it up and hurting him more.

And I bury that too: loving him, losing him, losing me. I keep hiding from life, cowering in a corner, praying it won't find me.

The night I gave up, the night I lost him.
I walked through the airport, the lonely airplanes and just me with tears down my face and my heavy heart with my confession, the note I left on my bed to him:

"Back to being behind a wall. You deserve to be loved by someone that puts you first. And ill just keep fucking that up for you. You made me realize I could fall in love again. You made me see colors again. This is one of the hardest letters I'll ever write because I know just how much I'm giving up. And I'll regret this for the rest of my life. But I thought you at least deserved the truth from me instead of a bunch of lies. If I'm loving, and going to love you the right way then I'll let you go because you deserve someone who knows how to stay.
I'm so sorry
I really do love you
Even if i don't act like it.

P.S. the last days of sunshine cruised like sharks and then the whole earth tilted. Each man kills the thing they love."





So I threw away another dream, more hope and a love that was so beautiful it made me cry.

I tried to remain intact and beautiful and i ended up with the same thing I always create: more broken pieces of my heart.

And it breaks and then there's silence

Was it hard?" I ask.
Letting go?"

Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn't real.

The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance.

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved him, and sometimes he loved me too.

On nights like this, I held him in my arms.
I kissed him so many times under the infinite sky.

He loved me, sometimes I loved him
How could I not have loved his large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have him. To feel that I've lost him.

To hear the immense night, more immense without him
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep him .
The night is full of stars and he is not with me.

That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without him.

As if to bring him near, my eyes search for him .
My heart searches for him and he is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
My voice searched the wind to touch his  ear

Someone else's. He will be someone else's. As he once
belonged to my kisses.
His voice, his long body. His stormy ocean eyes.

Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held him in my arms,
my soul is lost without him

I dont want to think about runnng around corners, whispering i love you's and fights hours later in the night. I dont want to think about the way you looked at me, and i dont want to think about how you made me feel so insignificant smf somehow you still giftwrapped it with a pretty bow of manipulation and blamed it all on me. Fuck i lost it today, i lost myself and i think that ive been lost for a long time.

I think about the life i live and how i believe all my own lies. Im stuck in a battle with myself and you and b and the monsters distract me from that. I dont know how im doing this anymore, and its so easy to blame it on you and everything else because theres too much blame to lay on myself and i cant look at myself, i cant think about today, and yet it flashes in my head and i realize i am always going to feel alone eventually. I might think im not in the moment, i might think hey wow he understands, he cares selflessly and understands, and then you break my finger and its okay because i am terrible, and mean and i deserve it right? why feel bad. But god you broke my finger, and you didnt even blink. and when it happened all i felt was like i didnt matter because of how you perceive i treat you. and i felt your selfishness squeeze around my throat and leave marks and you didnt blink. and i wonder why im here, why i care, why i still let this happen. and i realize god i just want love, i want love and understanding, and at all costs. and then i think about how pathetic that makes me and the merry go round goes again and i try to love you and then wonder why and then feel alone.

i try to give myself and i have nothing left. i give myself to b, to only feel alone. i give myself to you, to get the exact thing. I thought that being alone was the worse thing, but really, being in front of someone and feeling like your not loved is worse why? because its rejection, rejection of me, rejection of who i am, rejection of what i say, rejection of me as a human being. and hey fuck, i reject myself all the time, treat myself like shit, which is probably why I turn to the lot of you.

and it only makes me hate myself more, because i keep going back, cause all i want is the thing i am depriving myself of by being wtih you. and do i need to explain? so yu think im crazy and overreacting because i do so much to you and how dare i say you hurt me? well i am tired of denying myself and in im tired of being in the business of rejecting myself. and im trying to love me, and you only make it harder, and im getting so tired, i wont take it much longer.

i taste like years of being alone, many men would attest to that, only if they cared to notice in the first place.