Second

Memories of years before are bubbling to the surface, flashing before me.

I have no idea why my mind compares today to every other thanksgiving in the past. 

And your goin to spend today with her, and somehow it feels like a puzzle piece falling into place. I didn't expect it but it's nothing new, and it shouldn't be, but I really don't care like I used too.

Should I after this many times? This long?

I just wonder about how much she knows, if she knows that we live together, if she knows that we sleep together, if she knows that you are mine now, because honestly you shouldn't get  to get away with anymore lies. 

And I don't know if I should be upset, if I should be angry, if I should let it go, if I should hold on to It, If I should wonder, if I should worry, if I should forget it, if I should care, if I shouldn't care, if i should let this change things, what I should do.

I just want to know if she knows that you have my heart and I have yours, and that we are pregnant, and that I no longer will stand by and be second.

I am thankful for you this year, I am thankful for our sweet baby growing inside of me, but I am not thankful that I still don't know If I can trust you, and that somehow today; just like the last two thanksgivings, you have managed to put me second, and hurt me all over again. 

And honestly? I deserve better than this. 

fear.



god i have so much fear and i can barely stand without shaking from it
and love, for this life growing inside of me, for this hope, for a hope that wont ever stop

and you.

this was my dream
and i want you so bad and it is now the blood in my veins,
and somehow
we cant stop picking each other apart

and IT IS HALF MY FAULT,
but to live without you is a greater pain,
i need us to love,
i need us to cherish,

i need you.
and im losing you as im gaining something we created
how can that be?

i cant do this alone,
im running to you,
and i want you to keep running to me.