I dont know if well ever be where I want us to be,

I dont know if ill ever get to read to you all night, if ill get to sleep in your arms, if ill get to hear you say you love me over and over again through the night, i dont know if well ever get to make love at night, i dont know if ill ever be able to shine through you and have your ring on my finger.I dont know if ill ever get to spend days on end with you, i dont know if ill ever get to make you breakfast- i dont know if well ever truly be something more than a hidden secret.

i dont know what it means to have you love me truly, in the most committed way, because i, since the beginning, would have given up everything for you, every single piece of my life, and you can't/won't for me.

and everyday i dont give up on you, and i mourn the fact that i cant have you the way i want, i mourn the fact that i always feel like im losing something ive never really had-something ive only dreamed about.

and i battle with it,

shouldnt i be grateful to have you in my life at all?
shouldnt i be grateful that i get to see you?
shouldnt i be grateful that i have your friendship?


i am looking at the blood on my hands and i have no idea where it came from,

and im slowly starting to notice

after months and months that-





i have bled ever since i met you.

“Forgiving isn't something you do for someone else. It's something you do for yourself. It's saying, 'You're not important enough to have a stranglehold on me.' It's saying, 'You don't get to trap me in the past. I am worthy of a future.”





i cant not forgive you, i love you too much, i dont have a choice.

i dont know how i feel about that

THIS IS IT

my words boil out of my mouth


when you came into my life, i had been burnt and bruised and had no trust of life and of people.
when you came into my life, you gave me something that i thought i had lost-a trust in another soul.

and i keep going over and over this in my head. I have trusted you for a year, and now you bring me this, you bring me this NOW-

i told you the deepest secret, a secret i needed you to keep-and it spilled out of your mouth into my parents ears.

how could you do that

and i keep going over and over every single fucking memory- every single one- all the times i realized over and over that i could trust you, that you wouldnt ever go and do something like this.

i remember running down the beach that day after the birds- i felt so free, and i wrote marry me in the sand and you hugged me afterwards,

i remember when you told me that the one thing we had was honesty- that if we lost all else, that honesty is what we would always have

i remember the first time you kissed me-how it felt like my mouth was on fire,

i remember how i danced and then made love to you the first time on that sail boat,

i remember how i told you about all the things i had been through before i met you, how the memories flashed in front of my eyes and out of my mouth, how i would have never told you those things if i hadnt trusted you.

i remember when i told you about mike, all the dreams i kept having, how i couldnt let him go,

i remember when you said i love you i love you, trust me, trust me.

i remember when you held out your hand to lift me to safety,

i remember when we walked in all the mountains, and we became the green and the waterfalls and the air. I remember we sat perched on that view and talked of how we would always be friends.

i remember when i kept trusting you sexually, about how you were the first man i could get off of in front of, how i trusted you to love me- to make love to me- to teach me.

i remember how you told me that i could always be honest with you, that my secrets would be your secrets

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SECRETS I HAVE KEPT FOR YOU?
WHERE ARE THEY?
THEY ARE STILL IN MY HEAD.


DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE FUCKING SACRAFICED FOR YOU??

and all these memories, this is the first time i have poured them out anywhere- and i am giving them away, because you gave me away, and because i dont want to keep you now.

FUCK YOU

this change in me,
this change in me.


i said today to you, "I am tired of being the girl that cares, I dont want to be her anymore."

and right now, that is who i am, the girl that doesn't care.

there was something in me that would fight for life, for a future, and now i am looking on my bedroom floor everywhere for that piece of me, i cant find it.

what is becoming of me?

i dont even recognize myself.

there is a tiny voice inside myself- screaming to be heard, and yet i ignore it.

I cant admit that i am lost, i cant admit that i want something different, i cant admit that i am not anywhere i want to be, i cant admit what ive done, i cant admit that i want to change things, i cant admit that i am afraid.


fuck you, dont look at me, there is nothing to see.



i keep screaming at the mirror: i cant feel anything.

i dont want you to know anything,

i want to keep my secrets my own.


it is a crime, to keep giving myself away like this.

Leave yourself behind 

I took a chance on you

And now I'm taking the fall for both of us

Leave yourself behind 

Hate that your so intricately part of my life,

I hate that I can't grasp anything and hold on to it.

I have had two great loves, you are not one of these two, you don't come close. 

If you want to honor me, then honor yourself for once.

I wish I was anywhere, anywhere else.

You think I love you?

You looked so astonished when I told you I wasn't in love with you.

I have never been in love with you and I have told you.

Foolish you, how could you not see the signs.

I wil never be your saving grace and I never was and I never claimed to be.

Don't make me out to be a terrible person, when you needed me to hold on too just to get by. You use me just as much as I use you. Maybe I'm just willing to admit it.

I never wanted to be your savior, I wil never be this because I don't want to be, and I should never be. 

You are capable of someone much better, this, this is what I have told you.

Be yourself, love yourself

Needing me hasn't done you any good in these areas 

And it's not my job to save you.

You have to save yourself.

Just like I do.

I save myself everyday without anyone's help in doing so.

Don't look at me,

If you point your finger again,

I'll point you to the mirror. 

Have you ever had your heart ripped out of your chest? 

If you do then you know, that sometimes this is all there is.

You know that it will follow you for years and that it will never truly leave you. 

tonight i am up late thinking about how my ex is drunk in my bed and how much i dont want to lay down in it next to him.

I am thinking about how my moms up drunk and crying because shes worried about my exes son, about how he decided to let his 4 year old sleep somewhere else and not at our house(like this should even be my problem),

im thinking about how i am the negotiator between my mom and my exboyfriend, and im thinking about how much i dont want to be apart of this drama, i am thinking about how i am dealing with this when hes drunk and passed out in my bed

i am thinking of traveling to far countries, and about how i just wish i had my own drama to deal with, because trust me my drama is enough for 10 people to deal with.


i am thinking about how no matter what, i will never be the only person that matters, that there will be 10 different other people that matter besides me, that I will spend my time making everyone around me feel comfortable, that i will feel like i am never truly cared about because everyone makes it about them.

i am thinking that no matter how much i try to take control, my life spirals around me.


i am thinking that maybe i am the cause of all this.


I am thinking that maybe if i didnt care so much that i would be in better shape.


I am thinking about how much i want to change this, and about how much i cant do one god damn thing about it.

I sat on the roof yesterday, smoking a cigarette.

I thought about the first time I had done this 4 years ago when I was falling in love with you, and somehow still knew then that you would be the end of me.

How do you break up with someone that lives with you?
How do you break up with someone that will continue to live with you?




AH!

My dreams lately, all fear based.

Tidal waves, airplanes, heights

All because I can't face what I'm feeling.

I miss you,

Sometimes there is only this.

Painting

Just painted this, this is how I feel all the time.

When am I going to stop cursing myself for where I'm at?






I have escaped, into other worlds, because mine is unbearable.


i have a beautiful imagination