I keep thinking about all my other New Years eves, and how last year I sat at home by myself and wondered what id be doing this year and if it would be better cause it was so lame. 

And I'm with D, and the beach was beautiful and on to the 202 club, and then to watch fireworks, and I'm just glad I'm hanging with someone that's worth my time this year, something and someone of value to me. 

Mmmmmm, miss b, like fire.

Oh well. He wouldn't be with me tonight anyway. 

Happy new year :)

The sea is so cold when your in it naked at night.

But i felt free

I'm watching the moon twinkle on the sea and I just don't care what happens to me, because this sadness is just worst than anything else.

Talked to my birth father- he was simple minded- still doing drugs at 60- still on drugs- still just not at all what I neede

And I called my dad to tell him he was so much more to me- so I could be there for my dad- and I thought- well what about me? And my words were airless like they didn't mean anything to him- when they meant everything to me- "dad you blow him out of the water- your everything- I would have picked you- your the most amazing dad." 

And all he said was " I don't care if you talk to him, it's cool"

And I fucking hurt and I fucking die over this, because who I am comes from neither of them- nobody- and 

I don't have any answers I want-

And it wouldn't have really mattered anyway-

These waves crash on the shore and fuck no one gives a fuck, and I don't let them-

do you fucking blame me?

Do you?

It's so hard to write lately, as if my thoughts are ironing out and my feelings aren't lit on fire and fierce as a flame that sears me. Which is a good thing, I guess.

B, you are on your trip, and I think about how I've grown used to you being here and then just not, like you weren't apart of my life to begin with. And it's cool that you send me more text messages than the last time you were away with her. But am I only worth a penny or a dime of text messages? Like getting coal for Christmas and somehow it having to be good enough, because there just wasn't anything else. My hands are black from these coals. I'm digging for presents, but isn't it just an illusion? I keep

getting more coals.

And I just don't miss you anymore, isn't this what I wished for? Yes yes it is, but not because I got used to you doing this. Fuck that is not what I wanted. 

And I'm wondering if I'm changing, if I'm just starting to not care, but I still don't want to let go of the dream of us, and I wonder if it will always just only be a dream. 

And I still want you as fiercely as I did that first day. As fiercely as everyday before. A pile of want for you and your fucking beauty. Even now in my thoughts you blow me away. 

I keep waking up and grabbing for you, I get nothing but air, everytiime. 

I think id have missed you even if id never met you.

Id rather spend my life fighting with you than making love to anyone else.

http://youtu.be/cMXYz8asWVs this is how I feel- at 1:40 seconds in the video. 

And d, you have come back into my life, and fuck, I've needed you, and you've needed me and I fucking care for you. You told me yesterday I was your best friend. This means more than being a lover to me. He's gone and your here and that means so much to me. I don't express this to you, because I don't have too, you just know. And I've read more through your actions than your words. And you are teaching me that words don't mean as much as I thought they used too. I didn't tell you I loved you until I was bursting with it. I didn't tell you until the right time, until we were looking at the lights covering the city and Christmas was in the air. You told me you loved me too. Like it was easy. And since you hate words that hold no meaning, and you don't say them ever, you just show them, this meant more than you could know. Like a gift, because it was so raw and real. I'm glad we didn't mean it in a lover way, but in a friend way, a real way, it holds so much more depth and meaning because that's exactly how we both meant it. 

R, you are not here because I decide it to be that way. Good, good. I'm tired of our merry go round. Leave, leave, all there is, is time- I need you to get over me- because you are a sickness I refuse to let poison me. 

And mother, will I always find a weight beneath your heavy hand? When will I let go? When will I stop letting you separate light from darkness, like God? 

My birth father found me after 5 years of not speaking. He wants me to call- I won't do it out of impulse- I will think this through.

And other thoughts keep pulsating inside my head- my brother touching me and trying to put himself inside me when I was little

My dad screaming with alcoholic breathe. 

My own inadequacy, my own confusion, my own path- trying to figure it all out.

I don't know what else to do,

There are no answers. 

I'm trying to be okay with it.

I fell asleep on my knees praying to God to take it all last night,

There is nothing else but this. 

Christmas Christmas Christmas morning.

The beach last night with a friend- a great friend. 

Sat on the lifeguard tower and I thought about how I felt okay, just fine.

Last night by my bed, Got on my knees and asked God to take it all- all my hurt- my problems- said I couldn't do it anymore- and fell asleep that way. I have no idea what's going to happen, I have no idea if it's going to be okay. But somehow it'll work out. 

I'm

Just not there in The streets

Her: I respect you as a man, as a teacher I respect you, 

so teach me

Happens to be just like moments passing 

Him: what are you doing, no, stop

Her: teach me (taking off her clothes)

Him:

We can't do this, Stop, I'm your teacher

Her: so.....teach me,

Teach me,

...............

Come on am I really so bad?

Him: ......no......... I am 

He kisses her 

Happens to be just like moments passing...

Why can I appreciate what's good for me?

Why can't I want what's good for me?

I'm dancing all alone to the sound of the enemy's song.

I was so far inside myself today, all delusion, self loathing, and it felt like if I opened my mouth then all this ugliness would come out so I shut myself up, and didn't speak.

And it's weird how I know that my thoughts are very dark and irrational, and I talked to this therapist today, and he sifted through everything in my brain and told me:

Allow yourself to feel good about things you do during the day, even if their small.   Set short term goals that you can accomplish throughout the day or week. Your goals are very unrealistic and very far off, almost to the point that you set yourself up for misery everytiime. When someone calls you needy or pathetic or unhealthy it sets off a trigger in you that happened in childhood because you were told that your needs weren't allowed and when you had needs no one was there and you had To go about it alone and deal with it alone. You don't have to do that as an adult. You are allowed to have needs. And when you feel like you are all "unhealthy, needy, pathetic, dependent" etc know that you are not all of these things in their fullest but that you will be them sometimes while other times you'll be the exact opposite, allow yourself to be human. Each relationship you have should be give and take, if you find you just have takers then see the relationship for what it is, and go accordingly. Let yourself feel accomplished because today you came here today and talked to me and that's huge. You asked for help today. Hold on to that feeling. You gloss over it like it's nothing, when really it can be everything 

Do you know how much I needed to hear this? How confused I've felt lately? How I needed Answers and he provided them? Do you kno that today is the first day I let myself be okay with myself for 6 months? 

Relief.

Relief. Blissful relief. 

Why am I so contradictory?

I feel like I'm poison and I feel like I'm the antidote at the same time.

There is a war raging inside of me all the time. One of hurt and anger; self loathing and fury. 

I can portray so much beauty on the outside: a lightness, unburdened comfort. 

Liar 

There is so much more to me than that. 

I just wish all of it wasn't so bad. 

I am an idea in some peoples heads, make believe, something I portray, a wall of anything anyone needs or wants. A disguise. 

And I'm so tired of it, so tired of myself, so tired of other people. So tired of fuck man, everything. 

I just want to walk away, but I have nothing else to walk too.

God please help me. 

My heart and soul are in shambles.

These men kept sending her messages with bedroom starry eyes. Most men were in a candy store who never were hungry. 

She wanted to scream to them and tell them that love was something people lived for, even died for. It wasn't a chocolate cherry you ate in half and put the rest back in the box.  

my heads so fucked up, and i cant even take how much darkness is festering inside me lately. this is my labrynth of hell, i am no silver lily, no bunny, no artists canvas.


LAST NIGHT,

his hands around my throat, but that wasnt the worst part, the fact that I welcomed it was.

he said "ive killed, i remember this cat that i had, i kept squeezing it so its eyes bulged out of its head and i just couldnt stop squeezing it till it died." AND "i dream of living in the mountains and shooting people with bows and arrows, be careful dena, you might end up with a bow through your heart when you wake up."

maybe his thoughts are what is fucking with me right now.

yeah but its my own thoughts too. i welcome this pain, like this is normal, like i hear people say theyve killed animals, and how okay it was to have my own life on the line again and i just didnt care to feel it.

and its funny, i should care and love myself, and for some reason unhealthy or fucking not i dont really care, i have always cared and loved myself when others have "loved" me.

and tonight i told two people about this happening last night,

D, resoonded with "ah well, are you okay? that sucks." before the heat and the hurt rose inside me and spilled down my face in front of him i got up and walked out and got in my car. He followed me out, and when i rolled down my window, i broke into sobs of agony. and he just looked at me, and i thought that it just wasnt fucking enough.

B, when i told him this morning, he couldnt take it. "i have too much going on, i cant handle this, i need space, it hurts me"

and my tears kept on streaming. it hurts you??

so much pain...so much suffering..and he made her feel as if it were shameful, disgusting. As if pain were a crime. A crime against him. Who can judge another mans suffering? am i not worthy of someone being able to handle my pain, my full self?


and somehow in my mind this has just made my self sabotaging for myself worse, where has everyone gone too that I have sacrificed and loved and been there for?

and i keep asking myself wtf the fucking point is to hold on anymore
everyone keeps saying you take care of your own soul. Have more respect for yourself.
and i keep trying too, but it keeps getting harder to even imagine.

fuck man,
i feel so alone.

The only reason im not drinking myself to death and oblivion tonight is because N met up with me. The only person who I truly believe loves me in a way that is not selfish. It is in a way that is loyal, true, consistent, and pure.

I dont want to be anything for anyone else anymore.

you cant take my pain? fuck you. You cant be there when i need you the most?? fuck you. you cant love me the way i need? fuck you. Oh, you need me now? fuck you.

I am dark right now, I am fucked up, I am hurt like an open wound, I am young, I am old, I am furious, I am damanged and broken, I am lost, I am not enough to be anything for you, and im tired of fucking caring. im tired of all of it.


you lost out on someone that would have given everything, everything.

B and R and D,

Fuck you, 

I'm on my own now.

I deserve better,

And you all have let me down.

It's disappointing to know that someone can see right through you. 

I feel so invisible.

R,

I want to shake you, tell you that I know where you're going, that I've been there.

I want to tell you that there is only pain that rips you to shreds if you keep going the way your going.

you said "its easy for you, you have people that love you."

and I said, "I do now, I do because of last year, I never had it before that, no one loved me either, everyone left me."

to prove it, I told you something I hadn't ever said before to you.

"When I was 19, I was at the hospital after I had stayed with that guy. I told my dad I was raped and he looked at me with disgust and called me a liar. Everyone not only left me but wanted a million feet away from me."

and you hugged me, and I was like "its okay it happened a long time ago, and im not telling you because I need your compassion, im telling you so that you understand that I got sober when everyone hated me and nobody loved me"

it went straight through your ears, and I cried because I know from personal experience that it doesn't matter what I say.

god, I wish I could save you from this

I wish I could save you from this

but I cant save you, you have to save yourself, and I don't think you will, and its going to kill you inside, just like it killed me, killed me so much that I still suffer from it, years later.

there's all these thoughts bouncing around in my head

this loneliness is a tide inside of me, one moment im okay, the next im not.

please god help me

how am I going to make rent

is R okay?

could I be falling in love with D too?

god B, is my match in every single way, a connection that cannot be broken, no matter the tragedy and no matter the distance

am I good enough?

I am so unqualified for all of this

everything's going to be okay

I wish I could go back

I am so angry at myself

I have so much to give, I have nothing left to give

how am I going to survive this?

I cant wait till I feel okay

My head swirls around and around and I dont choose to open up to people easily.

D,

I looked at you today and with thick tears down my cheeks and told you of how much I hurt and how angry I am inside. I told you how hard it was for me to think about when I took my one year because it was the first time I ever truly let myself feel accomplished and I had lost that. I told you that maybe it didn't hurt so much because I had lost it but that I miss being that girl, miss feeling at least somewhat okay with myself. 

I kept wondering if I should keep letting you in, I kept wondering if you would be able to see that I had given you a gift by opening up and being vulnerable.

And you said why do you live in the past so much? There's no point in living there. I don't understand why you choose to wallow in your pain. 

I took a sharp intake of breathe and the tears and anger came quick out of my mouth "don't you think I tell myself that everyday? Don't you think I say dont live in the past? Don't you think I ask myself why I choose to wallow in it? Don't you think i would have fixed this by now if it was so simple, but it's not simple."

And all you said was yeah it's that simple.

Then you asked me what I was holding on too, because it seemed to you that I was trapped with no hope,

And I said "do you think I would be here if i didn't have something to hold on too? I hold on to the hope that someday I'll fucking feel better. That's the only reason I stay cause I just want to feel better."

But all I really wanted you to say was be nice to yourself dena, it's okay, I know it's hard, but one day it'll be okay.

Instead of the hard cold truth of what I tell myself in my head that make it even now unbearable. Don't you know that I already beat myself to a pulp?

Where did your compassion go? 

Then you texted me after a silent ride home. You said "Hey sweety, i appoligize. I just saw first hand my lack of compassion. I gotta work on that i know. I constantly look for answers. And your curiosity drives you mad. Lets try to stop looking for the reasons and woundering what the answers are. And just enjoy are time when were togather."

And I get it, I do. Yeah you wanna have a good time with me. But what about my feelings? What I need? What about me being able to open up too you? What about my sad hurt and angry parts as well as my good parts?

I don't want to give you me now, not any part, cause you lost that privilege by saying and acting like you only want me when I'm happy. 

B, I dreamt you were supposed to meet me and instead you got high and were mean and you were stumbling on me telling me how much you deserved to overindulge.

R, I dreamed you were cheating on me w my

Friend and you sent me pictures just to prove it.

God. Both of you.

Both of you.

There is nothing else to say, this is my reality, you both are doing you own thing, uncaring about me, or indulging, or placing me on the bottom of the latter.

I will dream of putting you both into fire.