My head swirls around and around and I dont choose to open up to people easily.

D,

I looked at you today and with thick tears down my cheeks and told you of how much I hurt and how angry I am inside. I told you how hard it was for me to think about when I took my one year because it was the first time I ever truly let myself feel accomplished and I had lost that. I told you that maybe it didn't hurt so much because I had lost it but that I miss being that girl, miss feeling at least somewhat okay with myself. 

I kept wondering if I should keep letting you in, I kept wondering if you would be able to see that I had given you a gift by opening up and being vulnerable.

And you said why do you live in the past so much? There's no point in living there. I don't understand why you choose to wallow in your pain. 

I took a sharp intake of breathe and the tears and anger came quick out of my mouth "don't you think I tell myself that everyday? Don't you think I say dont live in the past? Don't you think I ask myself why I choose to wallow in it? Don't you think i would have fixed this by now if it was so simple, but it's not simple."

And all you said was yeah it's that simple.

Then you asked me what I was holding on too, because it seemed to you that I was trapped with no hope,

And I said "do you think I would be here if i didn't have something to hold on too? I hold on to the hope that someday I'll fucking feel better. That's the only reason I stay cause I just want to feel better."

But all I really wanted you to say was be nice to yourself dena, it's okay, I know it's hard, but one day it'll be okay.

Instead of the hard cold truth of what I tell myself in my head that make it even now unbearable. Don't you know that I already beat myself to a pulp?

Where did your compassion go? 

Then you texted me after a silent ride home. You said "Hey sweety, i appoligize. I just saw first hand my lack of compassion. I gotta work on that i know. I constantly look for answers. And your curiosity drives you mad. Lets try to stop looking for the reasons and woundering what the answers are. And just enjoy are time when were togather."

And I get it, I do. Yeah you wanna have a good time with me. But what about my feelings? What I need? What about me being able to open up too you? What about my sad hurt and angry parts as well as my good parts?

I don't want to give you me now, not any part, cause you lost that privilege by saying and acting like you only want me when I'm happy.