I dont know if well ever be where I want us to be,

I dont know if ill ever get to read to you all night, if ill get to sleep in your arms, if ill get to hear you say you love me over and over again through the night, i dont know if well ever get to make love at night, i dont know if ill ever be able to shine through you and have your ring on my finger.I dont know if ill ever get to spend days on end with you, i dont know if ill ever get to make you breakfast- i dont know if well ever truly be something more than a hidden secret.

i dont know what it means to have you love me truly, in the most committed way, because i, since the beginning, would have given up everything for you, every single piece of my life, and you can't/won't for me.

and everyday i dont give up on you, and i mourn the fact that i cant have you the way i want, i mourn the fact that i always feel like im losing something ive never really had-something ive only dreamed about.

and i battle with it,

shouldnt i be grateful to have you in my life at all?
shouldnt i be grateful that i get to see you?
shouldnt i be grateful that i have your friendship?


i am looking at the blood on my hands and i have no idea where it came from,

and im slowly starting to notice

after months and months that-





i have bled ever since i met you.