my heads so fucked up, and i cant even take how much darkness is festering inside me lately. this is my labrynth of hell, i am no silver lily, no bunny, no artists canvas.


LAST NIGHT,

his hands around my throat, but that wasnt the worst part, the fact that I welcomed it was.

he said "ive killed, i remember this cat that i had, i kept squeezing it so its eyes bulged out of its head and i just couldnt stop squeezing it till it died." AND "i dream of living in the mountains and shooting people with bows and arrows, be careful dena, you might end up with a bow through your heart when you wake up."

maybe his thoughts are what is fucking with me right now.

yeah but its my own thoughts too. i welcome this pain, like this is normal, like i hear people say theyve killed animals, and how okay it was to have my own life on the line again and i just didnt care to feel it.

and its funny, i should care and love myself, and for some reason unhealthy or fucking not i dont really care, i have always cared and loved myself when others have "loved" me.

and tonight i told two people about this happening last night,

D, resoonded with "ah well, are you okay? that sucks." before the heat and the hurt rose inside me and spilled down my face in front of him i got up and walked out and got in my car. He followed me out, and when i rolled down my window, i broke into sobs of agony. and he just looked at me, and i thought that it just wasnt fucking enough.

B, when i told him this morning, he couldnt take it. "i have too much going on, i cant handle this, i need space, it hurts me"

and my tears kept on streaming. it hurts you??

so much pain...so much suffering..and he made her feel as if it were shameful, disgusting. As if pain were a crime. A crime against him. Who can judge another mans suffering? am i not worthy of someone being able to handle my pain, my full self?


and somehow in my mind this has just made my self sabotaging for myself worse, where has everyone gone too that I have sacrificed and loved and been there for?

and i keep asking myself wtf the fucking point is to hold on anymore
everyone keeps saying you take care of your own soul. Have more respect for yourself.
and i keep trying too, but it keeps getting harder to even imagine.

fuck man,
i feel so alone.

The only reason im not drinking myself to death and oblivion tonight is because N met up with me. The only person who I truly believe loves me in a way that is not selfish. It is in a way that is loyal, true, consistent, and pure.

I dont want to be anything for anyone else anymore.

you cant take my pain? fuck you. You cant be there when i need you the most?? fuck you. you cant love me the way i need? fuck you. Oh, you need me now? fuck you.

I am dark right now, I am fucked up, I am hurt like an open wound, I am young, I am old, I am furious, I am damanged and broken, I am lost, I am not enough to be anything for you, and im tired of fucking caring. im tired of all of it.


you lost out on someone that would have given everything, everything.