D,

You're a ghost of the past times, everywhere I look I see you walking around this room, calling me

Pretty in sweats.

One of the only times you even called

Me that.

I wonder why you didn't love me,

What was wrong with me, if you're thinking about me like I'm thinking about you, like it even matters. 

I just know that I miss you,

How stupid of me.

The way I felt uncomfortable with you looking at me naked, I should have known, for me, that we wouldn't work.

But I still wonder, if you ever loved me, how I could love you without you loving me.

I just don't want to think about you anymore, but this place brings it back, and I think of how you didn't really care about me, even when I gave myself to you,

And I think about how you're okay about all this,

But I'm not. 

My soul burns with life and with itself and because of itself. It doesn't matter what happens to me, it's what I do, how I hurt myself that matters most. Look at Danny and me, barely speaking now. When my last journal entry had to do with me and him starting a relationship. And I compromise everything all the time so much for someone else when he doesn't love me and it wouldn't have worked out anyway. 4 days in a relationship seems like a joke right? What's even more funny is that he broke up with me the night before my birthday, like why even ask me out in the first place???

And the pain lasts on and on.. No one can save me from this, from myself. How many times do I need to punish myself? How many days do I self sabotage? How come I can't just feel okay most days, how come it continues and always has been pain and suffering and darkness and sadness and it won't stop. It won't stop.

I just want my own pain to be validated. I want the compassion I give others to come back on me, I want to stop being afraid of what I'm fucking capable of, the capability to destroy myself. I want to stop being afraid of moving forward and gaining more because the more I gain the more I have to lose or totally annihilate. I want to stop feeling so much pain, I want to stop bringing so much pain on myself. I want to not want to destroy myself, to beat down on myself, to mutilate myself. I want to love myself.

I am a walking contradiction. My complexity is beautiful but every side of me is an opposing view of the other and it berates me and causes me this suffering. I'm tired of hearing I have so much potential. Saying I have potential is like saying I can be great but I'm not, or don't choose to get there.

This is a madness that resides inside of me everyday. A labyrinth of hell. I don't know how to about my life with it anymore. It's getting so intolerable