I think over time and the older I get the more I realize just how much things change. How every
Single thing goes through a birth and death cycle. An opening and a closing. The light of a new morning, and then the setting of that light into darkness. How it feels when you meet someone new, then change into the middle, then how it all falls
Apart somehow.
I’ve always tried to hold on to the newness. I’ve always tried to avoid all the endings. So when S says he wants this forever, a very deep part of me recoils at the idea, like I can’t quite let myself believe it anymore. Believing led me to pain, led me to being caught off guard, led me to heartbreak. I can see too many pitfalls here. There are always pitfalls. I can see the flickering glimpses of what could happen between me and S. How my opinion of him will change over time, how he will eventually look at me. How the ending is looming even at the beginning. It’s a gift of mine and a curse. It’s hard to not preemptively end it because of this. M is gone and has been for 8 months now. I don’t believe he is coming back. It’s why it’s so hard for me to give S my heart, because of all this pain that’s telling me not to fall for it again. To not dream so big. To not get so high that when I fall I completely lose myself.
I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what this all means, I’m afraid of loving him, I’m afraid of time and how it can corrode even the most beautiful things. I’m
Afraid of leaving him, of him leaving me. I’m afraid that he will hurt me, that his anger will hurt me. It already has. It’s different than with M. There is gentleness yes, but he’s not as sweet as M was, and maybe that makes him strong enough not to leave me like M would. But idk. It’s complex. I have all these parts of me that are rattling around trying to gain a foothold, but I’m
Trying to just let the process play out. See where it takes me, see why spirit put S in my life, what he’s meant to teach me because while he may not be forever and maybe no one will, there is ALWAYS always a lesson to be learned. And I know I can at least hold on to that, when everything else continues to slip through my fingers no matter how hard I try to hold on to it and keep it safe.
