This

Bags under my eyes, black as night and the weight falls off me like water and I don't care because why should I?
I deserve this place I live in-dirty, dope filled, people crawling on the walls. 


And I think of this and look at where im living and think "this is about right, this is what I deserve."

And I think of b, and this knowledge of us not being together washes over me and it feels like turning the key and unlocking the door and then being trapped inside. I always expected for us to end- and I'm here locked in this room of loss and im the one that swallowed the key he gave me.

And I look at where I live and think about how I failed and of my obliterated bleeding heart. Hope is a fading memory that I can barely remember.

And I think of r, and how I don't feel seen or taken care of, how food is even getting hard to come by, and I think of how bad he feels and how I feel like I continue to stay because he never made me forget about how much I hurt him, and I owe him this-to stay with him in shit- so he won't be alone. I thought that I would at least have him- but he's turning into a ghost just like me.

And I look at where I live and feel loneliness as wide and as strong as the ocean. And I'm invisible- to everyone that's ever loved me, and I think of how that realization keeps me here 

And I want to die, I don't think it would hurt this much

I haven't been this low in years, I never thought I would be back here
Welcome to my world.

Fuck me.