I am all

Memories and the rain beckons me back to places that seem so far, far away. I don't want the present, the present is sharp and mean and everything I was always afraid of.

The rain on the beach, my

Heart closing and seizing and fighting and squeezing. 

Where are you? Where did you go to? Oh yes I sent you away, don't you miss me? Don't you want to change for me? Don't you want to make a decision already? Hasn't it been long enough? I laugh inside at myself because to wish these things is fairy tale.

I had a dream that I was walking down that path by the beach in the middle of the night and you came and showed up, just like that, and you told me, "I can't bear to do this, please, I can't be without you. It is done, it is done."  It was late-night, you were there, and it was night.

I woke up gasping for air, knowing how untrue it was, how my chest exploded during sleep because even in my dreams I know this to be untrue. 

Will you change? I don't think so, and so my fingers remain numb so they won't dial you. Stopped again, stopped myself. 

I don't want to need you. Needing you is ugly and pathetic and it makes me small, because again, you won't do this for me will you?

All I want to do is to keep driving on the 91, leave everything and everyone behind, including you, maybe then I will feel free.

I keep searching for your eyes, and I see you walking and smiling and laughing with me every single place we once were, a ghost of the past times, and I wish to rid myself of this.

I wish to carve you out of me so maybe I won't keep choking on sobs and the acid that is building in me. 

Does this hurt you?

Maybe, 

Against all my efforts, you're not here and it's not the way i want things, so burn from my words, because I burn from everything that I thought could be and isn't because of you. 

Fuck please,

Denial, please, don't leave me. 

No, no, no,

My dreams want you, and now I'm awake, too early, darkness.

My eyes sting.

Denial, don't fail me yet.

I'm at the beach, I parked in our spot and put all kinds of coins in the machine and walked across the path we usually take except at night it's beautifully lit. 

Night time, 9:30 and the sea looks red and white all at the same time. And the waves are huge and crushing and I don't feel sad,

I feel like there's something more.

This is for me. You showed me, but this is for me. 

I'm alone and there is 

Beauty so much beauty.

And I miss you but I realize I miss me more. 

This is finding myself. 

Someone handed me a meth pipe twenty minutes ago as a cruel joke.

I broke out in goosebumps,

I dropped it, and ran.

Fuck that

Fuck that

Fuck that

Happy thanksgiving. Id like to stay sober today. 

And this was the moment I really needed to talk to you, but your really not there when a crisis comes up are you?

Because I can't call you at any time I want.

I want to call you but I know you won't be there.

You as a friend, picked me up and It didn't hit me yet. 

I walked down the street and it didn't hit me yet. 

And then you laughed at me and I burst into tears, thick and heavy, choking me.

Grief, this was grief I thought. 

Something that hits you out of nowhere. 

One minute your fine and the next totally undone.

I stopped crying and I asked you what was wrong with me and you jokingly replied "everything under the sun" and again 

Like a dam bursting inside my chest, the tears came. He would never say something like that, and yet somehow even though he never said it, the joke was true because I still wasn't good enough to him. 

And every song, every touch, every moment I just keep wanting to burst into tears.

And I realize 

Heartbroken, I'm heartbroken. 

And I wonder and think no, he won't be bursting into tears over this, he thinks this is right, and so do i, but I have lost, because even if I was to see him it wouldn't change a damn thing, not one damn thing. And then anger takes over and again the tears come.

How am I supposed to walk around and talk and act like myself when the beat inside my chest is gone. 

I'm on my own again. 

There is nothing but the loss of you everywhere I go. 

God b

There is nothing today 

Except the news that you're going away. 

And what that really means underneath it all.

So many feelings, and only quotes will do me justice, I can't write the terrible truth and what this reality really means to me. 

"You make me feel as if confessing my heart was a game of charades. Tears such as these could only be born of soul ripping sorrow. They fall, in relentless procession, summer rain upon parched playa, relentless."

And

"It was surprising how you could spend hours during the day pretending things were okay and in thirty seconds of nighttime know that that simply wasn't so."

My heart still feels as if it's going to implode. All I kept imagining between bouts of tears was of banging my fists against your dash board. 

Dear b<3

My love, my all, my very self-

I think about when I was high and about how you had to deal with what that meant. And you still believed in me, and I watched a video of me high and I thought of how different I seemed. I thought of how much towards the end I didn't want to hide from you but that you didn't continue to let me hide from you. I think about how you helped me get out, about how you helped me pay for my first

Month of sober living.

And it isn't just that you are made for me, because you are. But it's that you never gave up on me. And now that I'm getting sober I can see how hard it must have been for you. I already know how hard it was for me- and that probably made it harder on you in reality.

I think of how much stuff we've gone through and how we've been each other's sanctuary. I think about the foundation we've made and how it isn't made of sand but made of stone. I think of how every time I see myself through your eyes I see someone beautiful and smart and worthy of love. I think of how your strength has built up inside me and I think about how much your love has literally and figuratively kept me alive. 

I think about how years from now I know I'll still have such a love for you that I'll brim and over pour with it every single place I go. 

And I know that you want me to love me- I know that's what you want the most- not even for me to love you- and I don't think you understand that by loving you it helps me keep going and pushing myself and putting myself out there. And Every time you push me to accomplish something and I do I love myself just a little bit more, don't you know that? 

That with every breathe and every fall back and every step forward that with my love for you and your love for me really motivates me to make moves for myself that are better because I want to have the best possible future for me and you and us. And you always say "it doesn't matter what motivates you to get there, it's the end result that matters." Well I'm going to let you  in on a little secret: loving you is what pushes me to love myself, and in the end I will, and it will be because you loved me when I didn't love myself, and you pushed me to love myself like I love you, and to love myself like you love me. 

And every time I spill and tell you my thoughts in my head I get to know me just a little bit better, and I've learned that I'm deserving of being listened too. Didn't you know that I never felt worthy of being listened too before I met you? Don't you know that I never even told anyone my real feelings because I never felt like I had met someone like you, someone that could fully accept me?  Don't you know that I can be honest with myself because I'm honest with you? Don't you know that I have started loving myself because you have loved me?

If you hadn't been here:

I would have never gotten into Concordia, I would have never taken a class this semester after I couldn't go to Concordia, I would not know the date of my school registration for next month- which now I know ;) hahaha. I would not have stopped getting high so soon: who knows I could have been dead or in jail if it weren't for you. 

And the most

Important thing: I would have not started to love myself if you hadn't started loving me. 

One day when the sky is falling I'll be standing right next to you, nothing will ever come between us, I'll be standing right next to you. 

Being in love means hard questions.

Will I? Won't i? Should I? Could I? Yes? No? You? Me? There is no me without you. Is there a you without me? 

And if were truly one, how will I breathe when circumstance pries apart?

You are my oxygen, my

Sustenance, the blood inside my veins. When we touch, you are my skin,

Hold all my joy inside of you,

When you go, 

I wither.

I love you so much b<3

Ever yours

Ever mine

Ever ours 

Friday night and my relationship is over, a relationship that should have been over a long time ago.

Friday night and this should hurt worse then it does. And I am not lying, it does hurt, just not as much as a breakup should.

Maybe it's because it's right, maybe cause I wasn't as into him as I should have been. 

And I'm still in love with someone else, and I should feel terrible for that too. But I love him and he loves me, isn't that really all that matters when you get to the core of it all? 

I can't stop crying tonight. 

Everywhere I go.

At the meeting, in my room, my car, on the phone, to my aunt, to my sponser, to b, to myself.

I want to stop this madness ripping me apart inside and I don't know what to do with how much is churning and configuring in my head.

Still sober though,

6 days and counting,

And I think about getting high so much, and I don't know how to do this even though I've done it before- how is that?

I found out that my parents kept a secret from me about my birth father- they had always told me that he never wanted me- my aunt told me tonight that he took me back when he got out of prison for awhile and that he fought for me, and then got high again went to prison again, and lost me. I am 22 and my parents never told me after all the times I asked them. 

I AM 6 DAYS SOBER THIS IS NOT WHAT I NEED TO HEAR. 

And I cosigned for a car with my x that is now getting repoed cause he's out high not paying for it and my credit takes another hit. 

Then I hear that everyone is talking about me in sober living- seeing what I'm doing- saying shit. 

And I don't know how to deal with any of it.

I barely can deal with not getting high.

I am so angry inside and hurt and I can't get high and I don't know how to deal.

Fuck man. Just fuck. 

I need to stop crying :(

And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, why it has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is it can turn on a dime. 

"You wanna know what I'm scared of? I'm scared of everything. I'm scared to move, I'm scared to breathe." 

I feel like everywhere I go has sharp edges and any moment I'm going to get hurt. The fucked up part is that it should be me im afraid of, and maybe it is and that's why I'm scared all the time.

It has been so hard not to drugs the last two nights. I forgot this: the need. The encompassing need to just throw myself full force into drug use and destruction. I forgot how much it hurt to come back to myself and realign my body. 

And I am tired of hurting so bad.

I feel so bad all the time.

And I don't know what to do, I don't want stay sober, and yet my life is depending on it.

I want to stay sober and yet this need is so potent and pulsing inside me. 

There are so many feelings and I am so afraid and yet tonight I'm going to bed sober. 

4 days seems like a joke right? I mean I had like 400 days before. The last 4 feel so much harder to get through than that 400 and I keep asking why why why. 

Why me, why this, why couldn't i, why do I, why don't i, why can't i, why won't i, why didn't i, why me, why me, why fuxking me, why is this so hard, why am I so scared?

I gotta remember 

It can turn on a dime,

I just gotta keep holding on till it feels better 

I hate that I keep doing this to myself.

Why why why.

I love you b<3

And again,

But this time sober and better and finally becoming me again: 

Your love is my turning page,

And only the sweetest words remain,

Every kiss is a cursive line,

Every touch is a redefining phrase

I surrender who I've been for who you are.

Nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart.

I love you,

For everything you are and everything you've been and everything you will become.

I would have not gotten here so quick without you. 

You helped my find myself again 

I love you a thousand times over and over 

I love you

and i didnt think that this was the way we would become closer: you providing me with an escape hatch, a way out of all the poision and people and lies and evil.

at one time, i thought that not being with you was the worst thing i could ever feel, how naiive. i crave for that time when that was the only thing wrong in my life.


i feel so weak, i have nothing in me left, and you see that, and then you provide light in the dark, but i cant feel anything except the fear and pain anymore.

i cant tell the truth, and i cant tell anymore lies. where does that leave me? silence is best, silence is always best. I dont exist when there is only silence. i am tired of existing, you are helping me fight again to live for myself to love my self.

how can you still love me?
how can i forget so easily?


where did i go? can i make it back?


i keep saying dont give up dont give up dont give up

but to who im saying it too i have no idea.


maybe it hurts so much because this is all my fault, maybe it hurts so much because i am afraid of compassion because i dont feel i deserve it.



and you are going to help me save myself, and i will save myself, and i will leave and hurt everyone that i leave behind, just please dont stop loving me because you are the only reason i still keep trying to love myself.


your love is my turning page, only the sweetest words remain. every kiss is a cursive line, every touch is a redifining phrase. i am finally going home, and thats to where you are

Monster

You read little gestures and my moverments and the darkness in my eyes and saw for a second, what was going on.

And you guessed with yourself, 

And you told your self: no yes no yes 

Back and forth and back and forth 

And I was just happy you noticed at all 

I am a monster, I think I'm crazy, there's so many voices inside my head, I can't stop holding my breath. 

I keep losing sleep and I can't tell a soul what is really going on. Not even you. 

That makes me crazy

I'm friends with a monster that's under my bed.