Time

 You’re leaving tomorrow, and next week you’re leaving for good. That feels scary. That feels impossible. It feels inevitable.

Have you ever loved someone and the timing was off? 

I don’t want you to be a closed door for me. I don’t want to stop loving you. I don’t want to let you go. I’ve lost so much lately, it’s an avalanche and it’s ever growing. 

I didn’t want to add you to this, and my heart gets heavy when I think of what it will be like without your touch, without your hands. Without your love. Without you. Without you. Without. 

I can already feel the loneliness. I can feel the lack of your touch, I can already feel how the tide is turning you away and washing you away from me. I know I could fight but I’d be swimming up tide and never get to you. So I let go. I am letting you go. I found you the first time. You will have to find me the next time. I just hope there is a next time. I think not knowing that for sure is the hardest part of this. Not knowing when you will return to me, if you’ll return to me, and hoping all the same that you will. 

There may be an ocean between us, but my heart will always call to yours. 

 It was interesting for us to watch, how he didn’t even have to go anywhere in order to leave her.

 Isn't it funny how the memories you cherish before a breakup can become your worst enemies afterwards? The thoughts you loved to think about, the memories you wanted to hold up to the light and view from every angle--it suddenly seems a lot safer to lock them in a box, far from the light of day and throw away the key. It's not an act of bitterness. It's an act if self-preservation. It's not always a bad idea to stay behind the window and look out at life instead, is it?

 Tonight I miss the old you b, and I’ve been missing the old you for years. Things changed so much over time, and so many times all I wish was I could go back to the beginning. I put myself in deceit for years, convincing myself that it was the same as the beginning, and only in the last few years have I been able to really admit deep down that you haven’t been that man in a very long time. And maybe I haven’t been the woman you met either. It’s not a blame thing. I don’t blame you, and I don’t blame me. I blame time, and the passage of love, and the different needs we had that weren’t being met in it all. Still. Still. I wish I could change it. I wish I could see you look at me the way you used too, like I was special, like you couldn’t get enough. Like you could forgive me. But maybe I hurt you too much. Maybe you hurt me too much. And where to go from here? I don’t know. I don’t know where to go from here, and maybe that’s the hardest part of all. Not knowing where to go, how to go on in the world without you. Without us. It hurts me at such a level that sometimes it’s hard to breathe. Tonight is one of those nights, where I let the pain in, where I feel how deep it goes, where I let it consume me. It’s hard to move forward this way- because it’s not what I wanted and it’s not what we wanted. I know that. But I can’t keep waiting for the man I need, and you can’t keep waiting for the woman you need in me. It seems we both can’t seem to get it right, and that’s the saddest part. Because I know we both want it, so much, and yet it’s just out of our grasp. Our love- it used to be so easy, and now it’s floating away and we both don’t know what to do to stop it. 

I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same.

You are my beginning middle and end

 June 16, 2023

Today marks that second day of that feeling I get when I’m without you. I can’t tell if it’s cause we’re connected or if it’s cause you’re feeling lost so far away from me.

I worry about you. I worry about feeling that distance that you get when you’re away from me. 

Sometimes i don’t know what to expect. And other times I feel like it’s stupid cause I do. I don’t text you and you don’t text me. We separate and that hurts me. Especially after becoming so close, especially the last few days. It feels like this ripping, even though when you come back things come back together it’s hard for me to figure out how to stand this part. How to stand being in this space, where it’s like all of a sudden we don’t exist even though I know in my head it’s not true. It still hurts. 

And I don’t want to complain, I don’t want to feel this, I don’t want to expect things of you, I don’t want to be like this. And in a few days It will lessen as the memory of your touch lessens. I hate conditions. I feel like this becomes conditions, between us. You can’t talk to me and I can’t talk to you. Conditions. Fuck conditions. I want freedom to be. I want you to have the freedom to be. Maybe that’s why it hurts me too. I know you don’t feel free, or okay, or yourself and I hate that for you. You deserve freedom and you deserve to be all of yourself. You deserve an openness. Did I say I hate conditions? I don’t want to feel like I have to restrict my love for you, or hold myself back from you, or wait to express myself to you. Especially when it hurts. Cause this hurts and it hurts every time. I just wish it didn’t. But I can’t turn off how much I love you. I can’t turn off how much I hate to be apart from you. I can’t turn off my fear and this feeling like I can’t express myself. And it’s Wierd cause by not expressing myself I feel like I’m protecting you, because I don’t want you to feel not safe, but again it’s not me that makes you feel like that and yet here I am. Not texting you, not loving you, not anything you. And it feels foreign. It feels like holding myself apart. 

Something happened last night, and I called to you. I needed you. I needed to tell you. I needed to feel safe. Because the more I have things like this happen the more I realize what you are to me. How I don’t feel safe with him, how I don’t feel okay. How I hurt myself when I’m with him. Because when he pushed my head down yesterday it felt like betrayal. To myself but also to you. I felt like I was betraying everything last night, and I didn’t want to and I told him that, and he still kept pushing pushing pushing. I don’t want that anymore. And while I love him maybe I’m realizing that I’m starting to love you more. Because you are safety to me, because I didn’t feel safe last night and I noticed how I felt dread and fear and pain and I wanted to say NO. I did say no. I did. I said it a few times. But of course why should my no matter to him? My no matters to you. It matters. And that’s why I love you more. Why I want you more. Why I want this more. Why I needed you last night. Why it felt like betrayal. And mostly to me. But also because of you. Because you are everything to me. Because as much as I don’t want to admit that you are what I want truly, and deeply, you are. You are. You are. 

You are becoming my beginning and middle and end. And letting that go when you are there is the hardest thing in the world. And that’s what I feel is asked of me, that’s what I feel is needed. To let go, when all I really wanna do is hold on.