You are everything and nothing at all.

And at the end of it, with no walls and you inside me, I said "it's so hard to care about myself anymore."

This is all I'm hiding, that with every step I take I am throwing myself deeper and deeper away.

I'm about as strong as paper shoes in stormy weather.

Your feelings bury me in fury and hurt.

You say things all the time.

I'll change I don't believe you

I have your back I don't believe you 

I trust you I don't believe you 

I love you I don't believe you.

 You bruise me at every turn- you tanglle me in your web and I am tired of you sucking the life out of me.

I can't stop dreaming of spiders eating me alive. 

You just wanted to get away from loneyvile. 

Sometimes you are so clear in my mind, and sometimes I don't know you at all. 

Does this silence you give me, heal you?

One day you'll come and say all the things I've needed to hear from you for the past two years. 

And it will have been so long that I won't be here anymore, I'll be gone.

God this, this, this is always it.

There was a point for me where I gave up, where my mind threw logic and being rational out from inside me, like I decided to discard another piece of me. 

I should have been scared because of how easy it was, instead I laughed with the wind. 

Sometimes I wonder how many pieces of myself I really have left.

Sometimes I wonder if I do this on purpose, sometimes i wonder if ill ever be able to stop.

The girl inside me cries thick thick tears down my cheeks and my throat aches because I just keep getting smaller and smaller.

I wonder how much of me is left.

Fucking vultures, but then another thought comes unbidden and honest,

Who's really the vulture,

Aren't you one too? 

But somehow different 

somehow

Not quite right

because unlike others, I only eat myself.

 

The tears the tears, they won't stop. I feel dumb and stupid and pathetic.

Why is there only ever this?

Why do I keep comin back here?

I stand over the abyss and look over the edge and Instead of seeing death; I see comfort and instead of running away from it, I jump in. 

and this is supposed to be just a job, just a day at work, and somehow i get rattled and shook up in my emotions where i am hiding my tears barely and fucking fighting myself fighting fighting fighting


i am so tired of feeling like this, like i meet people everyday, that crush my fucking soul.


and i don't want to need anyone and i don't want to be treated like this, and i need to fucking find someone better


i feel so dumb i cant stop crying

Let me put a stop to all this madness,

But how but how but fuckkng how?

I am dying from all this fighting because it has gotten me no where.

"Hit me in the face I dare you, hit me in the face, just so I can fuxking feel something more than this crushing pain inside myself."

And his hands were all over me and I couldn't fight him because I just didn't have the strength to believe in Anything anymore, least of all myself.

Ha ha fucking ha and I wish money was my biggest problem. 

I can't look in the mirror anymore

Secret #43

I got in a car accident the other day,

I was disappointed I didn't die.

YOU ARE A WASTE OF SPACE

I wish to be attached to no one.

I want to run away from here, leave everything behind, become someone different, forget about everyone that ever made me smaller. I want to let my dreams die, I want to forgive myself, I want to let go. I want to travel with nothing and no one with no idea of where I'm going. I want to learn how to not care about whoever whatever wherever I am, where I continue to take steps too. I want to not let anyone or anything define me, including my past. I want to rid myself of all my jadedness. I want to be messy and unconventional, and ten steps behind instead of ten steps ahead. I want to be the blood coursing in my veins. I want to be airless, and light- a cloud in the sky. I want to be maddening and to feel every emotion to its fullest without feeling guilty about it. I want to miss no one, while everyone continues to try to find me, while they wonder why the hell they took advantage of me. I want to be on my own as my own and to not apologize for any of it. 

I seek freedom,

Meaning,

Truth,

Above all else.

And somehow I can contain none of this. 

Not one single fucking thing.

Piece of shit worthless nobody ashamed flawed forgotten invisible lost selfish untrustworthy not accepted judged 

Piece of fucking shit piece of fucking shit

No one will admit other wise

Actions

Always

Speak

Louder

Than

Words.

Maybe you are just another form of self sabatoge for me,
each moment i hold on to you i dig more inches in my grave,

HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH!????

i am so lost, and no one is taking care of me, and somehow i am managing to take care of everyone else.

and i do these things i am hiding in

because i dont want to face where im at, i dont want to look at you anymore, i dont want to look at myself, i dont want to keep writhing in this pain of stunted growth.


where is my redemption, my mercy?


I AM ALWAYS THE FUCKING PROBLEM


i am so fucking lost,
ive been lost for 2 months,


and yet no one has seen




my heart bleeds more and more each day and
no one can hear me screaming except for me