Why did i want to get high tonight?
I’m afraid to be alone.
Why?
Because I’m not safe
Because he hurt me at night
Because he’s coming
Because it’s dangerous
Because I’m not safe
Because I really truly believe he’s still coming to my bedroom to use me again.
Because I am not lovable
Because I won’t be loved
Because I don’t matter if I’m not loved
Because
He’s coming. He’s coming. He’s coming.
And I don’t know what the future holds, if he’ll come back. But what I really think is that it’s about me. I’m afraid to be alone so much so that it causes my addiction to crop up. I feel it again tonight, even though I’m not responding to the call- that want to annihilate myself, to not be myself, to back out of it all. I keep asking myself why it’s so triggering. I know that many bad things have happened to me while I have been alone, and men have been a safety. A safe space literally, but also emotionally. A place where I know what my purpose is. A place where I know I won’t get abused every night. That safety, that comfort of just having someone there.
I know my father did bad things to me at night when I was alone, that every night I waited for him to come into my door to do what he’d always done. To show me who I was, who he was, who we were. But it was all fucked up, not at all what a little girl should experience. Ever.
I think that’s why it happens at night especially, when I come home to my empty apartment I feel like I need to leave, and the one place my mind goes to is drugs. I wish it wasn’t so but wishing it hasn’t stopped me ever. I need to work through this in EMDR. It will help make it not so activating. So that I don’t turn to what I have always turned too, a thing that kills me.
So instead of using I am writing, and waiting for M to come see me one last time before he goes back to the other part of cali for good. Maybe not for good, but for the next few months at least. I know there’s a part of me that’s self deceptive, that’s telling me that he’ll be back, or that it won’t really happen, or that it won’t hurt that much. I know that part is trying to protect me just like the addiction part is trying too. It’s complicated and yet simple. I know I’m rambling.
I just wish he didn’t have to leave, I wish I didn’t have issues with addiction, with this massive trigger of being alone. I wish I didn’t have a summer trigger, that the heat didn’t make me feel like I was on fire. That the heat didn’t remind me of what happened. It got so bad in the summers, on vacation while he was off work, it got really really bad, and when the rain came I always breathed a sigh of relief. And even now when the rain finally comes back I can feel my whole body relax.
I’m afraid.
I’m afraid of life, of women, of men, of being alone, of summer, of getting high, of losing him, of losing me,
I need to create better relationships in my life, to have a place to go to, to find better community, shit maybe I should try AA again. I don’t know what to do, but I need to find a way through the fear to the fight. To fight for myself, my kids, my life. To fight through the fear of being seen and then being hurt, to fight through the fear of being alone.
It’s been so many years, I look back on all these posts and it hurts me in a place that I never knew it would. Am I the same girl that wrote these things? Yes and no. I don’t feel that endless shame like I used too, the pain is less but only through the trauma work I’ve done. Through finding out that my dad sexually abused me my whole childhood, and my mother did nothing about it. Through healing that, and many other things, I have found my solace. But things have changed. I’m no longer with him. With b. That guts me in a way I never knew it would but he didn’t want to heal with me, and my two beautiful children are still beautiful and lovely and the light of my entire life. Most of this blog I wrote without children. I felt so alone then, I felt so afraid, I felt so worthless. It reminds me. But it also shows me how far I’ve come. Maybe me and B will make it someday, but right now is not that time. We were together for almost 11 years, that’s such a long time, he was my safety, my solace, my love and then things changed. He’s still safety, and he’s still my ultimate desire. But it was the him I wrote about in these blogs, not the him who felt responsible for me, who didn’t let me in anymore, who shut me out, who blamed me and criticized me. I did things too, I did not nice things, I got high a few times and I’m not innocent. But rarely are these situations just one person. So I have someone else. M. I don’t know if me and M will make it, maybe he’ll be another story down the line, maybe he’ll be with me. I just know from how things land that everything changes. I wish they didn’t. I wish I was still with B, I wish things had worked out, I wish he’d look at me like I was special just one more time.
