I'm watching the moon twinkle on the sea and I just don't care what happens to me, because this sadness is just worst than anything else.

Talked to my birth father- he was simple minded- still doing drugs at 60- still on drugs- still just not at all what I neede

And I called my dad to tell him he was so much more to me- so I could be there for my dad- and I thought- well what about me? And my words were airless like they didn't mean anything to him- when they meant everything to me- "dad you blow him out of the water- your everything- I would have picked you- your the most amazing dad." 

And all he said was " I don't care if you talk to him, it's cool"

And I fucking hurt and I fucking die over this, because who I am comes from neither of them- nobody- and 

I don't have any answers I want-

And it wouldn't have really mattered anyway-

These waves crash on the shore and fuck no one gives a fuck, and I don't let them-

do you fucking blame me?

Do you?