i sat in the street,

how many times can i relive this?


this happens to be just a momment passing



everyday that goes by, is another day that you and i drift farther and farther apart,



tears well my eyes and i wonder if well ever be together

why is it so important to me, and not to you?


im so tired of being here,
i know my destinition.



the streets lights are glowing, these moments and tears just keep passing.







you used to read my blogs, you used to care about what i was really thinking, and now you just dont have the time, just like theres no time to see me anymore

My mother looked at me,

"I think I finally realized why I don't love you" She said.

I knew she didnt, but i'd never heard her admit as much, I tried to tell myself i was intrigued, like a scientist on the edge of a breakthrough, but my throat closed up and i had to make myself breathe.


"you remind me everything that I have failed at.I don't know how i could have raised a child that could turn out so ruined"


this i knew too,


this i knew.

I'm getting closer to my true self again and I've been running for so long I don't know how to deal with that. 

Coming back to myself is like when I ripped myself apart: painful and maddening.

I am you(rs)

i will be frank. there will never

be anyone else. i have never been able to think this with confidence. but there

will never be any other man. no other man inside me in any way because it has

always been you. i wished for you too, you know. i wished for you as a child in

the summer in moscow, running in golden fields, laying in wildflowers, covered

in bugs, pulsing with dreams and fantasies and rainbow gusts of imagination.

I wished for you last summer when everything felt different. I wished for you

when I was changing; trying to pull myself together. . I wished for you lying

on my back in a car looking out the window all night as the stars passed. I wished

for you sitting at my window wanting something; anything to look forward too. I

wished in the forest with all its loneliness. I knew you even then and i wished for you. i

wished for you when i was broken in this dead city with so many streets and

mazes and silence. i wished drunk, wandering aimlessly on santa barbara

beaches. i wished for you when i was numb, when i was hurt, when i was happy. i

looked for you for so long, so long, in every man, every human that i met who

had potential. i looked and i got confused and hopeful and i projected what i

wanted onto other men and that made everything fall apart every time. so i quit

looking and began to know that you are deep inside and you are me and i can be

alone. then i began to want to be alone and only alone because you were in me

and i was happy. so i told you in the beginning that i always leave, i'll leave

you, this won't happen. then i finally saw you. you became clearer and clearer

every day. you meld with my soul and it knows it and it know you and shines and

sings when you are near and even when you aren't (but you always are). i was

wrong, i won't leave. god, i love being wrong when you are right. no, i'm not

going anywhere. i love you and i am yours.

i am an emotional mess
and you are inside me
and im thinking
about how you hold my heart in your hands
and how


this is a gift,


this is a gift




and once it is over,
everything i have been hiding in my life comes to the surface,
tears leak from my eyes
and a realization hits me



"i'm scared"

my voice inside my head


and yet nothing comes out of my mouth.

I dont know if well ever be where I want us to be,

I dont know if ill ever get to read to you all night, if ill get to sleep in your arms, if ill get to hear you say you love me over and over again through the night, i dont know if well ever get to make love at night, i dont know if ill ever be able to shine through you and have your ring on my finger.I dont know if ill ever get to spend days on end with you, i dont know if ill ever get to make you breakfast- i dont know if well ever truly be something more than a hidden secret.

i dont know what it means to have you love me truly, in the most committed way, because i, since the beginning, would have given up everything for you, every single piece of my life, and you can't/won't for me.

and everyday i dont give up on you, and i mourn the fact that i cant have you the way i want, i mourn the fact that i always feel like im losing something ive never really had-something ive only dreamed about.

and i battle with it,

shouldnt i be grateful to have you in my life at all?
shouldnt i be grateful that i get to see you?
shouldnt i be grateful that i have your friendship?


i am looking at the blood on my hands and i have no idea where it came from,

and im slowly starting to notice

after months and months that-





i have bled ever since i met you.

“Forgiving isn't something you do for someone else. It's something you do for yourself. It's saying, 'You're not important enough to have a stranglehold on me.' It's saying, 'You don't get to trap me in the past. I am worthy of a future.”





i cant not forgive you, i love you too much, i dont have a choice.

i dont know how i feel about that

THIS IS IT

my words boil out of my mouth


when you came into my life, i had been burnt and bruised and had no trust of life and of people.
when you came into my life, you gave me something that i thought i had lost-a trust in another soul.

and i keep going over and over this in my head. I have trusted you for a year, and now you bring me this, you bring me this NOW-

i told you the deepest secret, a secret i needed you to keep-and it spilled out of your mouth into my parents ears.

how could you do that

and i keep going over and over every single fucking memory- every single one- all the times i realized over and over that i could trust you, that you wouldnt ever go and do something like this.

i remember running down the beach that day after the birds- i felt so free, and i wrote marry me in the sand and you hugged me afterwards,

i remember when you told me that the one thing we had was honesty- that if we lost all else, that honesty is what we would always have

i remember the first time you kissed me-how it felt like my mouth was on fire,

i remember how i danced and then made love to you the first time on that sail boat,

i remember how i told you about all the things i had been through before i met you, how the memories flashed in front of my eyes and out of my mouth, how i would have never told you those things if i hadnt trusted you.

i remember when i told you about mike, all the dreams i kept having, how i couldnt let him go,

i remember when you said i love you i love you, trust me, trust me.

i remember when you held out your hand to lift me to safety,

i remember when we walked in all the mountains, and we became the green and the waterfalls and the air. I remember we sat perched on that view and talked of how we would always be friends.

i remember when i kept trusting you sexually, about how you were the first man i could get off of in front of, how i trusted you to love me- to make love to me- to teach me.

i remember how you told me that i could always be honest with you, that my secrets would be your secrets

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SECRETS I HAVE KEPT FOR YOU?
WHERE ARE THEY?
THEY ARE STILL IN MY HEAD.


DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE FUCKING SACRAFICED FOR YOU??

and all these memories, this is the first time i have poured them out anywhere- and i am giving them away, because you gave me away, and because i dont want to keep you now.

FUCK YOU

this change in me,
this change in me.


i said today to you, "I am tired of being the girl that cares, I dont want to be her anymore."

and right now, that is who i am, the girl that doesn't care.

there was something in me that would fight for life, for a future, and now i am looking on my bedroom floor everywhere for that piece of me, i cant find it.

what is becoming of me?

i dont even recognize myself.

there is a tiny voice inside myself- screaming to be heard, and yet i ignore it.

I cant admit that i am lost, i cant admit that i want something different, i cant admit that i am not anywhere i want to be, i cant admit what ive done, i cant admit that i want to change things, i cant admit that i am afraid.


fuck you, dont look at me, there is nothing to see.



i keep screaming at the mirror: i cant feel anything.