THIS IS IT

my words boil out of my mouth


when you came into my life, i had been burnt and bruised and had no trust of life and of people.
when you came into my life, you gave me something that i thought i had lost-a trust in another soul.

and i keep going over and over this in my head. I have trusted you for a year, and now you bring me this, you bring me this NOW-

i told you the deepest secret, a secret i needed you to keep-and it spilled out of your mouth into my parents ears.

how could you do that

and i keep going over and over every single fucking memory- every single one- all the times i realized over and over that i could trust you, that you wouldnt ever go and do something like this.

i remember running down the beach that day after the birds- i felt so free, and i wrote marry me in the sand and you hugged me afterwards,

i remember when you told me that the one thing we had was honesty- that if we lost all else, that honesty is what we would always have

i remember the first time you kissed me-how it felt like my mouth was on fire,

i remember how i danced and then made love to you the first time on that sail boat,

i remember how i told you about all the things i had been through before i met you, how the memories flashed in front of my eyes and out of my mouth, how i would have never told you those things if i hadnt trusted you.

i remember when i told you about mike, all the dreams i kept having, how i couldnt let him go,

i remember when you said i love you i love you, trust me, trust me.

i remember when you held out your hand to lift me to safety,

i remember when we walked in all the mountains, and we became the green and the waterfalls and the air. I remember we sat perched on that view and talked of how we would always be friends.

i remember when i kept trusting you sexually, about how you were the first man i could get off of in front of, how i trusted you to love me- to make love to me- to teach me.

i remember how you told me that i could always be honest with you, that my secrets would be your secrets

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SECRETS I HAVE KEPT FOR YOU?
WHERE ARE THEY?
THEY ARE STILL IN MY HEAD.


DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE FUCKING SACRAFICED FOR YOU??

and all these memories, this is the first time i have poured them out anywhere- and i am giving them away, because you gave me away, and because i dont want to keep you now.