I am all

Memories and the rain beckons me back to places that seem so far, far away. I don't want the present, the present is sharp and mean and everything I was always afraid of.

The rain on the beach, my

Heart closing and seizing and fighting and squeezing. 

Where are you? Where did you go to? Oh yes I sent you away, don't you miss me? Don't you want to change for me? Don't you want to make a decision already? Hasn't it been long enough? I laugh inside at myself because to wish these things is fairy tale.

I had a dream that I was walking down that path by the beach in the middle of the night and you came and showed up, just like that, and you told me, "I can't bear to do this, please, I can't be without you. It is done, it is done."  It was late-night, you were there, and it was night.

I woke up gasping for air, knowing how untrue it was, how my chest exploded during sleep because even in my dreams I know this to be untrue. 

Will you change? I don't think so, and so my fingers remain numb so they won't dial you. Stopped again, stopped myself. 

I don't want to need you. Needing you is ugly and pathetic and it makes me small, because again, you won't do this for me will you?

All I want to do is to keep driving on the 91, leave everything and everyone behind, including you, maybe then I will feel free.

I keep searching for your eyes, and I see you walking and smiling and laughing with me every single place we once were, a ghost of the past times, and I wish to rid myself of this.

I wish to carve you out of me so maybe I won't keep choking on sobs and the acid that is building in me. 

Does this hurt you?

Maybe, 

Against all my efforts, you're not here and it's not the way i want things, so burn from my words, because I burn from everything that I thought could be and isn't because of you.