When I met you and over the course of time you like an octopus have wrapped your tentacles around me, one by one, until all 8 choke me alive, and the blackness squeezes my heart and I can barely breathe wondering why I decided to choose this.

I always gift wrapped you with my mind, always saw a better you, an illusion, this is no magic trick. I CANT FIGHT THE DOUBT ANYMORE. I CANT LOVE YOU ANYMORE

isn't it terrible that I keep begging you to let me go? isn't it terrible that I need to hear you say the words to me; like when someone dies and the doctors have to say to the family that their mother or father is dead, hes dead, shes dead, hes dead as a doornail, shes dead: just so they can face it with all that denial seeping in, falsifying hope.

its over its over its over

I WANT YOU TO END IT, I WANT YOU TO PUT AN END TO IT.
where was your effort? my effort covers the end of this two year path with flowers and yours is the pebbles in my shoes.

did I really think you would choose me over her? how could I believe that it wasn't a pick between me and your wife? how could I understand why you left me on holidays and birthdays and that vacation for a month in april to Bangcock? WAS YOUR WIFE A DRUNK WAS SHE? was I a slut because I didn't want to wait for you, because I couldn't stand to give you everything for two years when I knew you wouldn't choose me? how could I believe that you loved me so dearly? how could I believe that you believed in me? how could I believe that you would fight for me? how could I believe that you weren't having sex with her anymore? how could I believe that you didn't communicate, that there was no future or past that could hold you two together? HOW COULD I HAVE BELIEVED YOU ANd HOPED IN YOU WHEN IT WAS ALL GOING TO BE ANOTHER DEAD END.

so if you cant make the choice I will,
I HAVE NO MORE LOVE.

the chain is on the door

D,

You're a ghost of the past times, everywhere I look I see you walking around this room, calling me

Pretty in sweats.

One of the only times you even called

Me that.

I wonder why you didn't love me,

What was wrong with me, if you're thinking about me like I'm thinking about you, like it even matters. 

I just know that I miss you,

How stupid of me.

The way I felt uncomfortable with you looking at me naked, I should have known, for me, that we wouldn't work.

But I still wonder, if you ever loved me, how I could love you without you loving me.

I just don't want to think about you anymore, but this place brings it back, and I think of how you didn't really care about me, even when I gave myself to you,

And I think about how you're okay about all this,

But I'm not. 

My soul burns with life and with itself and because of itself. It doesn't matter what happens to me, it's what I do, how I hurt myself that matters most. Look at Danny and me, barely speaking now. When my last journal entry had to do with me and him starting a relationship. And I compromise everything all the time so much for someone else when he doesn't love me and it wouldn't have worked out anyway. 4 days in a relationship seems like a joke right? What's even more funny is that he broke up with me the night before my birthday, like why even ask me out in the first place???

And the pain lasts on and on.. No one can save me from this, from myself. How many times do I need to punish myself? How many days do I self sabotage? How come I can't just feel okay most days, how come it continues and always has been pain and suffering and darkness and sadness and it won't stop. It won't stop.

I just want my own pain to be validated. I want the compassion I give others to come back on me, I want to stop being afraid of what I'm fucking capable of, the capability to destroy myself. I want to stop being afraid of moving forward and gaining more because the more I gain the more I have to lose or totally annihilate. I want to stop feeling so much pain, I want to stop bringing so much pain on myself. I want to not want to destroy myself, to beat down on myself, to mutilate myself. I want to love myself.

I am a walking contradiction. My complexity is beautiful but every side of me is an opposing view of the other and it berates me and causes me this suffering. I'm tired of hearing I have so much potential. Saying I have potential is like saying I can be great but I'm not, or don't choose to get there.

This is a madness that resides inside of me everyday. A labyrinth of hell. I don't know how to about my life with it anymore. It's getting so intolerable   

What to do when all my insides are screaming for is you, and yet you can't be what I need and were fucked from the beginning.

I build and build and build myself and somehow it's just not good enough to me.

It hurts. I just wanna feel okay in my own skin. 

All I'm thinking right now is how much I want you and how much that scares me. How can you mean so much in such a short time? Please don't leave, don't leave me too. 

Will I get over mike? Will I get over the fact that he left me ?

Was I really not loved by him? Or was I just so poisonous he just couldn't have me in his life anymore?

Can I tell you how much this eats me alive? I don't even admit this anymore because of how much it's buried deep inside me cause I can't face how much that scars me.

He left me, I don't talk of this much anymore. Tell me you couldn't bear to leave me too, somehow I know that you could use the same logic against me someday.

How can I bear that? Can't I be okay on my own? To learn to do that iS so confusing.

Will I ever get there?

I feel so alone and yet I'm so scared of being alone, how does that even come to make sense? 

I wish mike would give me the chance to explain.

Give me the satisfaction of showing how much I've tried to become better. Should I care anymore that I want him to see it? No he doesn't deserve that but I always wish.

Stupid so stupid, somehow that affects my self esteem more.

I'm so tired of my self esteem being tied to those that love me, when all it does is hurt me more in the end.

Logically I know this,

But my emotions betray me on so many more levels that go deeper than that.

I don't want to fool myself anymore I just don't know how to get passed all that.

I'm so tired of feeling bad all the time

Where is my peace, my redemption, my happiness?

What if I can't get there? 

You've left me waiting for so long

Idk if the waiting has killed off our love 

I wish I could explain my head to someone. Fuck to myself even.

So confused in every aspect of my life. Don't know how to deal with that.

Do I ever really know how to deal with anything? 

Your letting me dream..

I don't know what that means,

I'm starting to dream again. 

This night this night this night

I can't sleep

Can I ever really anymore?

I'm so tired of all of it.