My soul burns with life and with itself and because of itself. It doesn't matter what happens to me, it's what I do, how I hurt myself that matters most. Look at Danny and me, barely speaking now. When my last journal entry had to do with me and him starting a relationship. And I compromise everything all the time so much for someone else when he doesn't love me and it wouldn't have worked out anyway. 4 days in a relationship seems like a joke right? What's even more funny is that he broke up with me the night before my birthday, like why even ask me out in the first place???

And the pain lasts on and on.. No one can save me from this, from myself. How many times do I need to punish myself? How many days do I self sabotage? How come I can't just feel okay most days, how come it continues and always has been pain and suffering and darkness and sadness and it won't stop. It won't stop.

I just want my own pain to be validated. I want the compassion I give others to come back on me, I want to stop being afraid of what I'm fucking capable of, the capability to destroy myself. I want to stop being afraid of moving forward and gaining more because the more I gain the more I have to lose or totally annihilate. I want to stop feeling so much pain, I want to stop bringing so much pain on myself. I want to not want to destroy myself, to beat down on myself, to mutilate myself. I want to love myself.

I am a walking contradiction. My complexity is beautiful but every side of me is an opposing view of the other and it berates me and causes me this suffering. I'm tired of hearing I have so much potential. Saying I have potential is like saying I can be great but I'm not, or don't choose to get there.

This is a madness that resides inside of me everyday. A labyrinth of hell. I don't know how to about my life with it anymore. It's getting so intolerable