Will things always change

 It’s been so many years, I look back on all these posts and it hurts me in a place that I never knew it would. Am I the same girl that wrote these things? Yes and no. I don’t feel that endless shame like I used too, the pain is less but only through the trauma work I’ve done. Through finding out that my dad sexually abused me my whole childhood, and my mother did nothing about it. Through healing that, and many other things, I have found my solace. But things have changed. I’m no longer with him. With b. That guts me in a way I never knew it would but he didn’t want to heal with me, and my two beautiful children are still beautiful and lovely and the light of my entire life. Most of this blog I wrote without children. I felt so alone then, I felt so afraid, I felt so worthless. It reminds me. But it also shows me how far I’ve come. Maybe me and B will make it someday, but right now is not that time. We were together for almost 11 years, that’s such a long time, he was my safety, my solace, my love and then things changed. He’s still safety, and he’s still my ultimate desire. But it was the him I wrote about in these blogs, not the him who felt responsible for me, who didn’t let me in anymore, who shut me out, who blamed me and criticized me. I did things too, I did not nice things, I got high a few times and I’m not innocent. But rarely are these situations just one person. So I have someone else. M. I don’t know if me and M will make it, maybe he’ll be another story down the line, maybe he’ll be with me. I just know from how things land that everything changes. I wish they didn’t. I wish I was still with B, I wish things had worked out, I wish he’d look at me like I was special just one more time.