It’s been forever

 The last time I wrote was forever ago on this blog. I didn’t want to write particularly on here because someone found this blog that I didn’t want to find it. It’s been years, but it’s more than that. It wasn’t just about her. It’s about the fact that I just couldn’t face how much I was hurting. It was about how I couldn’t face the fact that my relationship was hurting me so much. There is so much behind everything and I had an idea, but I didn’t know how deep it ran. 

Ive been starving for love my whole life. It’s been eating me alive. I feel like I’m in a desert and Ive never seen water in my whole life, but I knew I was missing it, and missing it was seeping out into other areas of my life. I tried to find it in drugs, in my relationship, in sex, in food. Anything anything that could soothe this ache that I had deep inside.

And ever since I came to this intensive outpatient center Ive felt that love, and Ive been given water, and Ive let out so much awfulness and was seen with only love and support. I feel more love from there then I do in my own relationship. Ive never been to a treatment center that is as good as this one is. It’s like, Ive been searching my whole life for answers, and I never could find them until now. Like I’ve been searching my whole life for this, and I have. I really have. 

But other areas are coming to light. I am starting to self soothe, self validate, not need as much but with that comes the feeling of being trapped because he hasn’t seen me, or heard me, or validated me in years. I know it had been eating away at me, but I accepted it because somehow I felt I deserved the treatment he was giving. Or I tried to ignore it because it was too painful to face that my relationship wasn’t making me happy. That the father of my kids, was not showing me any love or affection, just disappointment and irritation. I needed us to be okay. 

When I was younger my father was drinking all the time. He was there physically but not emotionally. I blamed myself. I felt it was my fault that he couldn’t stop drinking. Every time he broke a promise I felt like a piece of me died. No one ever told me, this is not your fault. No one ever came and tried to explain to me what was going on. Of course I blamed myself. I now have started to have compassion for that little girl. Inside and in the past. But everyday I’m getting triggered. I didn’t know this, but trauma gets stored in your body. So everyday when B ignores me, I’m getting triggered. My body thinks I’m back there, in the past, when my dad was drinking and  I was getting ignored and feeling completely unlovable. So my reaction is magnified. I can’t think, I can only react, and it feels like my head and heart is gonna explode. It hurts so much. And when I think of leaving B, my heart and head explodes because I’m losing a father again. Like it or not, he’s become like a father to me. He came in and filled that role and the patterns are hard to deny. My actual father wasn’t there emotionally, and neither is B. My actual father denied me love, and B does the same. My actual father made me feel bad for having any emotions, and so does B. When I think of losing B, in my emotions, I feel like someone is dying, like I’m losing someone, just like I lost my father to alcohol. It kills me. But when I think about what B gives me and if I really want to be in this relationship my mind goes blank. There’s nothing. I can’t think of a single thing that should be keeping me in this relationship. So am I not wanting to leave the relationship out of love or out of fear? 

My counselor asked me yesterday, why do you keep going back to an empty well? She told me to think about that. Why do I keep trying to get water from an empty well. That hit me hard because why do I? And what am I needing that I’m not getting? And how can I give that to myself? Do I need a hug? Do I need a bath? Do I need a good grounding meal? Do I need to dance it out? Ive done almost all of those since yesterday to myself- Ive even self soothed by touching my arms, trying to remember what it felt like when I was last touched like that. And I deserve to be touched by that, and I don’t want to be touched like that from someone new, because all I want to do is try to repair the relationship with myself that I’ve never had till now. That relationship is so important to me. I never could figure out how to love myself, and now I’m finally understanding. Like something just finally clicked inside me. 

And B has noticed my shift. He’s seeing the sadness, he’s seeing my energy back away from his. He’s asking me what’s the matter, and I’m sayin I’m fine. It’s not like I’m intentionally trying to do this, well maybe I am. I want space, I want to heal, I don’t want to need him and I’m figuring out how to not need him and how to give myself what I need. I’m not leaving him- yet. But I’m realizing a lot of things. A lot of the reasons I stay are because I feel so powerless. I’m so afraid to support myself financially, and I know some of that is because I’ve allowed myself to be powerless, but also bc he’s intentionally or unintentionally, hes tried to make me powerless. He’s just as afraid I’m sure, as I am. He’s got his own trauma, but the difference is? I can admit it, and I’m working like hell to make it just a little bit better. He doesn’t want to change, and I can’t make him. I want him to join me on this journey, but if he won’t, then I’m going to let myself move on. And I’m gonna choose to be okay. I’m going to choose that no matter what, somehow, I’m going to be able to financially support myself some day. I’m going to choose to believe in myself. I’m going to try and give myself that fatherly energy I need so so badly so I can strengthen myself and that powerlessness I feel. I’m going to soothe myself if I feel sad or hurt or unloved. I’m going to validate my feelings, I’m going to be there for myself.