Hesitant

 Again I’m hesitant.

I’m hesitant to write how I feel, but my dreams deny me the ignorance I’m so desperately seeking. My dreams, my subconscious boiling over up and over the surface. 

Zombies, vampires, blood, elevators, hotels, cages, airports, airplanes. 

All these dreams remind me of all the dreams I had when I didn’t want to be with mike, but I couldn’t face it in my real life. I feel all this again. And I’m trying, with everything I have in my real life to propel me and Bs relationship forward so that I don’t have to go through with leaving him. But it all seems so futile. Because no matter how much I try, no matter how much I change, he is staying relatively the same. I’ve noticed a small difference, him reaching for me more. But what Hasn’t changed is my desperation for his love, that starvation that I don’t want to feel anymore. I know I’m moving to a place where I don’t need him anymore, whether that’s with him or not with him, it’s what I need to happen. 

I don’t know why it feels so awful to be at odds with myself. When I wake up in the morning, after all these dreams that I know are about him, sucking the life out of me- me not facing it all, feeling stuck, feeling like I’m in a cage. Feeling like I’m loving someone that is dead inside. I feel so inauthentic. I feel like I’m not living my truth. Then after the day goes on, I try to bury that. But even so, I’ve been avoiding writing, because I don’t want to see the truth on the paper. Maybe I’m worried it’s going to propel myself forward and I don’t want to get there. I don’t want to destroy my family, I don’t want to feel that pain, that deep seated pain that’s probably not even about B, but about my father and that awful loss that’s there. And I’m still on this proverbial fence, stuck, wondering which way to sway. I’m still not ready to answer this, I’m hoping one day I will.