What to do when all my insides are screaming for is you, and yet you can't be what I need and were fucked from the beginning.

I build and build and build myself and somehow it's just not good enough to me.

It hurts. I just wanna feel okay in my own skin. 

All I'm thinking right now is how much I want you and how much that scares me. How can you mean so much in such a short time? Please don't leave, don't leave me too. 

Will I get over mike? Will I get over the fact that he left me ?

Was I really not loved by him? Or was I just so poisonous he just couldn't have me in his life anymore?

Can I tell you how much this eats me alive? I don't even admit this anymore because of how much it's buried deep inside me cause I can't face how much that scars me.

He left me, I don't talk of this much anymore. Tell me you couldn't bear to leave me too, somehow I know that you could use the same logic against me someday.

How can I bear that? Can't I be okay on my own? To learn to do that iS so confusing.

Will I ever get there?

I feel so alone and yet I'm so scared of being alone, how does that even come to make sense? 

I wish mike would give me the chance to explain.

Give me the satisfaction of showing how much I've tried to become better. Should I care anymore that I want him to see it? No he doesn't deserve that but I always wish.

Stupid so stupid, somehow that affects my self esteem more.

I'm so tired of my self esteem being tied to those that love me, when all it does is hurt me more in the end.

Logically I know this,

But my emotions betray me on so many more levels that go deeper than that.

I don't want to fool myself anymore I just don't know how to get passed all that.

I'm so tired of feeling bad all the time

Where is my peace, my redemption, my happiness?

What if I can't get there? 

You've left me waiting for so long

Idk if the waiting has killed off our love 

I wish I could explain my head to someone. Fuck to myself even.

So confused in every aspect of my life. Don't know how to deal with that.

Do I ever really know how to deal with anything? 

Your letting me dream..

I don't know what that means,

I'm starting to dream again. 

This night this night this night

I can't sleep

Can I ever really anymore?

I'm so tired of all of it. 

I keep thinking about all my other New Years eves, and how last year I sat at home by myself and wondered what id be doing this year and if it would be better cause it was so lame. 

And I'm with D, and the beach was beautiful and on to the 202 club, and then to watch fireworks, and I'm just glad I'm hanging with someone that's worth my time this year, something and someone of value to me. 

Mmmmmm, miss b, like fire.

Oh well. He wouldn't be with me tonight anyway. 

Happy new year :)

The sea is so cold when your in it naked at night.

But i felt free

I'm watching the moon twinkle on the sea and I just don't care what happens to me, because this sadness is just worst than anything else.

Talked to my birth father- he was simple minded- still doing drugs at 60- still on drugs- still just not at all what I neede

And I called my dad to tell him he was so much more to me- so I could be there for my dad- and I thought- well what about me? And my words were airless like they didn't mean anything to him- when they meant everything to me- "dad you blow him out of the water- your everything- I would have picked you- your the most amazing dad." 

And all he said was " I don't care if you talk to him, it's cool"

And I fucking hurt and I fucking die over this, because who I am comes from neither of them- nobody- and 

I don't have any answers I want-

And it wouldn't have really mattered anyway-

These waves crash on the shore and fuck no one gives a fuck, and I don't let them-

do you fucking blame me?

Do you?