it has been one year since ive been here
bleeding red-scorching hot with the wind flying behind me and the jet skiis bringing freedom

and im finally feeling worth again
and like I can scream with everything ive got inside me and let go of everything that calls for hurt and terror and tragedy


and this new found loneliness, missing him: that was the sad and honest truth, though it would stay with her, it would be more like a black onyx heart on a silver chain, worn privately, under her clothes, close to her body, all her life. The hurt, the guilt, the beauty, everything. It wasn't over it had only begun.


and sometimes this squeezes my throat and I cant breathe and it becomes everything inside me
and I think god, he gave me up, I should let this go, he isn't worth my time or my love, and then I feel him doing his own thing being out there, and I connect, and then the blackness squeezes me again and I go under and then I come back up for air at the river and scream it all out again. And then I wonder how this changed how he gave me up, like it was nothing, like I was nothing. I felt like I was screaming at him and he chose not to hear me; like dunking my head under water and not being able to come up for air.

how could he do this, this madness, why did he change, why did I, I'm coming back to myself, and hes letting me leave although it feels like hes pushing me away, and I want to let go, maybe this is my chance, but how can I let go, how can I let, how can I, how can, how.


and I wish I could be here all the time, tasting freedom, and I wonder if this is what ive been missing for the last five years, if this is why ive changed and how I got so far away from me, like a shell of myself and then I wonder what the hell im going to do when I get out of here and go back home where there is no freedom, no love, and a place where ive lost everything before, too many memories, and my heart slices and there is no answer.