Its summer and the days feel like rain. I can smell it coming in slowly and I'm here, not facing anything. I know what I'm doing and I don't even need to face that. Big loads of denial seeping in everyday because the truth is just way too sharp to deal with anymore. I wonder how long I can keep this up, flushing my life down the toilet. And I didn't let go of b because I wanted too but because I couldn't stand to see the way he looked at me anymore; pathetic and broken and giving up. He always chased the denial away and it was getting too hard to hear the truth about myself. I couldn't stand to care about what he thought anymore. I couldn't stand hurting him and I couldn't stand the thought of keeping it up and hurting him more.

And I bury that too: loving him, losing him, losing me. I keep hiding from life, cowering in a corner, praying it won't find me.

The night I gave up, the night I lost him.
I walked through the airport, the lonely airplanes and just me with tears down my face and my heavy heart with my confession, the note I left on my bed to him:

"Back to being behind a wall. You deserve to be loved by someone that puts you first. And ill just keep fucking that up for you. You made me realize I could fall in love again. You made me see colors again. This is one of the hardest letters I'll ever write because I know just how much I'm giving up. And I'll regret this for the rest of my life. But I thought you at least deserved the truth from me instead of a bunch of lies. If I'm loving, and going to love you the right way then I'll let you go because you deserve someone who knows how to stay.
I'm so sorry
I really do love you
Even if i don't act like it.

P.S. the last days of sunshine cruised like sharks and then the whole earth tilted. Each man kills the thing they love."





So I threw away another dream, more hope and a love that was so beautiful it made me cry.

I tried to remain intact and beautiful and i ended up with the same thing I always create: more broken pieces of my heart.