I dont want to think about runnng around corners, whispering i love you's and fights hours later in the night. I dont want to think about the way you looked at me, and i dont want to think about how you made me feel so insignificant smf somehow you still giftwrapped it with a pretty bow of manipulation and blamed it all on me. Fuck i lost it today, i lost myself and i think that ive been lost for a long time.

I think about the life i live and how i believe all my own lies. Im stuck in a battle with myself and you and b and the monsters distract me from that. I dont know how im doing this anymore, and its so easy to blame it on you and everything else because theres too much blame to lay on myself and i cant look at myself, i cant think about today, and yet it flashes in my head and i realize i am always going to feel alone eventually. I might think im not in the moment, i might think hey wow he understands, he cares selflessly and understands, and then you break my finger and its okay because i am terrible, and mean and i deserve it right? why feel bad. But god you broke my finger, and you didnt even blink. and when it happened all i felt was like i didnt matter because of how you perceive i treat you. and i felt your selfishness squeeze around my throat and leave marks and you didnt blink. and i wonder why im here, why i care, why i still let this happen. and i realize god i just want love, i want love and understanding, and at all costs. and then i think about how pathetic that makes me and the merry go round goes again and i try to love you and then wonder why and then feel alone.

i try to give myself and i have nothing left. i give myself to b, to only feel alone. i give myself to you, to get the exact thing. I thought that being alone was the worse thing, but really, being in front of someone and feeling like your not loved is worse why? because its rejection, rejection of me, rejection of who i am, rejection of what i say, rejection of me as a human being. and hey fuck, i reject myself all the time, treat myself like shit, which is probably why I turn to the lot of you.

and it only makes me hate myself more, because i keep going back, cause all i want is the thing i am depriving myself of by being wtih you. and do i need to explain? so yu think im crazy and overreacting because i do so much to you and how dare i say you hurt me? well i am tired of denying myself and in im tired of being in the business of rejecting myself. and im trying to love me, and you only make it harder, and im getting so tired, i wont take it much longer.

i taste like years of being alone, many men would attest to that, only if they cared to notice in the first place.