Tonight I miss the old you b, and I’ve been missing the old you for years. Things changed so much over time, and so many times all I wish was I could go back to the beginning. I put myself in deceit for years, convincing myself that it was the same as the beginning, and only in the last few years have I been able to really admit deep down that you haven’t been that man in a very long time. And maybe I haven’t been the woman you met either. It’s not a blame thing. I don’t blame you, and I don’t blame me. I blame time, and the passage of love, and the different needs we had that weren’t being met in it all. Still. Still. I wish I could change it. I wish I could see you look at me the way you used too, like I was special, like you couldn’t get enough. Like you could forgive me. But maybe I hurt you too much. Maybe you hurt me too much. And where to go from here? I don’t know. I don’t know where to go from here, and maybe that’s the hardest part of all. Not knowing where to go, how to go on in the world without you. Without us. It hurts me at such a level that sometimes it’s hard to breathe. Tonight is one of those nights, where I let the pain in, where I feel how deep it goes, where I let it consume me. It’s hard to move forward this way- because it’s not what I wanted and it’s not what we wanted. I know that. But I can’t keep waiting for the man I need, and you can’t keep waiting for the woman you need in me. It seems we both can’t seem to get it right, and that’s the saddest part. Because I know we both want it, so much, and yet it’s just out of our grasp. Our love- it used to be so easy, and now it’s floating away and we both don’t know what to do to stop it. 

I wondered what happened when you offered yourself to someone, and they opened you, only to discover you were not the gift they expected and they had to smile and nod and say thank you all the same.